I haven't left again

It’s been pretty busy and I haven’t done much or eaten poorly. I shall do a proper entry later, I have to get some rest for the 5K Chocolate run tomorrow.

I left a word doc open to catch my thoughts

9:17
Decided against the creamer in the coffee, but wished I had peppermint schnapps. ‘Tis the season.

10:12
Last blog I read then I really need to focus harder

10:58am
Just made plans to meet up with Céline at 5:30 to go get our packets and run. No part of me is looking forward to this, but she seems so happy about it. Oh how the tables have turned

12:06

Made absent mind lunch decision, egg salad, really now?

12:30
Going away cake, what!?!

1:19
Feeling the effects of lunch, I have to start planning and bring my lunch into work. Chicken and vegetables is a quick easy fix.

3:03
Drinking some sparkling water, I really do need to drink more water. Was that a back spasm? Note to self. Add back exercises to pending workouts.

4:25
While changing into workout clothes realized I was wearing the black pants that made me feel like a “Biscuit in a can”, but I didn’t feel like a “biscuit in a can”.

4:26
Realized blogging was magic

4:30
Realized I have no running shoes, GRRRR!

5:25
Decided to leave work and go put some order in my home and prepare for tomorrow. Clear the floor and do some floor work.

You comment, I comment:

Thanks Ms H! I’m excited about it, despite the big ass hill. You’re looking lovely as ever, I like the hair! I BC’d in July and haven’t looked back.

Whoops! (Also a very good song by Blues Traveler)

I did not post yesterday, not because I’m hiding, but I have not been able to find a good balance of my work life yet. It’s a mix of too much to do, not wanting to do it and not really wanting to go home. So I work late while watching some work inappropriate thing on my laptop during my busy week and rack up the overtime. But I did think of you, while trying to figure out why our AZ office was coding things to our MD office.

Food wise yesterday wasn’t too bad. I had coffee with too much creamer (peppermint mocha) and a high fiber honey wheat English muffin with peanut butter. Since I’m under the weather I had Pho for lunch, it fixed me for an hour, but when we got back to the office I was coughing up a stubborn lung. It’s still in there. Then plowed through a mountain of paperwork while listening to a book on tape (I use to mock this, but lordy be it’s nice to be read to). Then all of a sudden I was hungry again and it was 8. I went to Longhorn by my job because I know there is a container of peeled garlic, condiments galore and crystal light in my fridge; one of the pit falls of not hosting Thanksgiving is that you do not get leftovers. And I had what I call an Old Man meal, meat and brown liquor, 6oz medium rare sirloin and a Manhattan, with steamed veggies. I was so very tempted to get something so chocolate that would coat my mouth in love, but thought it best to head home.

Nothing too exciting happened, but tonight we are picking up our race packets and taking a look at the track for Saturday’s race. I’m getting excited and nervous, still coughing.



You Comment, I comment:

Thanks Doc and E Jane for the warm welcome back! I’m slowly getting my excitement back for being a better me. I think I’m going to put up little notes around my bathroom and room and desk at work so I have visual arguments against derailing. Any suggestions?

I got nothing

I got nothing to say for myself or my absence. I’m sure as no surprise to anyone that I have gain most of my weight loss weight back. I stopped doing the things that helped me reach my goals. I stopped blogging; I was hiding from the gain and the embarrassment of it. And what a shame, I was starting to feel like I had a little family here. But when I checked back in I saw my peers on a steady path to their goals and it made me feel like shit that I wasn't progressing with them. So I did what any sane person would do, I beat myself up about it and ate my feelings. How does one not lose weight this way?!?

My birthday is a week away (turning 30 for the third time) and the dress I had last year that I was almost in is back to its purchase fit. Sausage in casing doesn’t quite describe the look I have going in that dress and biscuit in a can (the kind that pop out of the roll-got the visual?) is a bit more accurate. So that goal will not be met this birthday. Heavy sigh. Anyway, a New Year is upon and I loathe making New Year’s resolutions, so I need to get on it now. A December Resolution! December’s a good month, it has my birthday, baby Jesus’ birthday and my name day oh and New Year’s Eve!

I don’t want you to think I’ve done nothing. I finished my last semester a community college and got accepted to George Mason University. And my friend, Céline and I have been working the C25K, but outside this time. It has been hard and the number of times I’m jazzed and excited to tackle each session has been outnumbered by the times I’ve dreaded them and cursed the run between breathes, but it feels good to complete a run. We’re running the Chocolate 5/15K in the National Harbor this Saturday. I look forward to running it with her. It’s one of the things we’re doing for my birthday.

I should have a December Resolution or two by the first, which means I have some things to do, like weigh myself, stop crying, resist the urge to medicate the knowledge of said number and the balls to accept that number and share it. I’m also taking recommendations for calorie counting/food journal sites. I’d like one with an app and with the capability to post daily journals here and hopefully I will soon be able to go back to LA Boxing. I miss feeling like a bad ass.

Hello Again (my favorite Shelly Long movie)

As I stand here, between heaves I wonder, how have I gotten to this place. A bajillion pounds heavier, over worked, stressed and while I was closer to finishing up my Associates degree I could only focus on the fact that I felt closer to my starting weight. I was also wondering what I had that was red, I’m sure I unsuccessfully stayed calm until I remembered the strawberries. They were good, I should have stopped there, I should have stopped before there. I know this and I knew it then, but something been broken in my head about food for a while now. After the strawberries I had some water, but I just knew I was still hungry. And my brilliant, “somehow in a binge spiral at work” self decided I needed an English muffin with peanut butter, but it’s okay, it’s triple earth healthy and I weighed it and the spoon with peanut butter. I would say here’s the slippery slope, but thanks to my applied calculus class I know that there was no slope it was undefined because I feel like I fell right through to the bottom and devoured/annihilated/ravaged/obliterated some, a few, countless 90 calorie Quaker Oat bars. I remember reaching for number “greater than or equal to three” that 1. I liked the oatmeal raisin ones the best and 2. This one will make me feel better. I think it’s funny I like the one with the fruit in it and boy was I wrong about that one and the ones after that one making me feel better.

I feel just awful, so awful I barely want to think about the possibility of what’s happening I just want to get that junk out of me and my body whole heartily agreed. I shall Google search eating disorders from the comfort of my home now that there is a shaky truce with Verizon.

Now I’m the first to acknowledge that I am overly sensitive about bulimia, I don’t know if its because I think I’m susceptible to it or all of the after school special and exposes I watch on the subject, but I am. I’m also weird about being friends with my friend’s significant other, that’s something unrelated, but I’m weird about that. (I’ll be his friend, but we don’t need to hang out) Did I just eat too much junk and made myself sick? Or did I intentionally binge and purge? I’m fairly certain it’s the first option because I do not want to do anymore damage to my teeth (I had a root canal this year), my heart (I’m already at a high risk for heart disease) and this is just a lot of ewwwwwww!!!! But who knows how my mind is working these days.

UPDATE:

I had since had some tea and calmed down, then I went to the gym because I tried to wear pants today (it’s been hot in the DC metro area for the past few weeks so I’ve been in dresses) and there was no amount of laying down to be done to get those things on me. I think that was wakeup call #74 and this gym trip may have been another false start, but at least it’s a start.

First let me say I know I spased out a little bit back there, but I’m fine. I recognize that I’ve been poorly handling my diet and exercise and I’m not surprised at the weight gain, just the reaction my body had to a lot of Quaker oat bars. I can’t believe I ate myself sick and then told.

Cranky

I'm so cranky I don't even want a cookie! More to come tomorrow about my trip.

Cocktails or Cardio?

I’d rather have both, but I had cardio. The place I go to that separates my eyebrow into two separate entities s right next door to my gym (which is right next door to a Dairy Queen) and of course I was there the day before my trip so I could have 2 distinct eyebrows. Luckily my car contained at the very least one and a half workout outfits I dragged myself in.

I’m not at the same level I was at when I was going regularly, but wanted to push myself and I wanted to quit after minute 3. But I didn’t, those numbers are helpful, but boy was I feeling it. I got to 432 calories burned in a very long 35 minutes session. Next time I will do a less intense program.




So that number is super close to 500 calories, the number I like to see at the end of my cardio time, it’s a nice round number that can cancel out a bad choice. So I got on the treadmill to finish up my 500.






I went because I was right there and it feels wrong to not go if I’m that close to it and I was a little stressed about my upcoming trip and having to get ready for it. I know it seems counterproductive to use that getting ready time for some gym time, but it felt right.


Oh! Finnaly some healthy snacks on the ledge! They don't look or taste great but it's a step in the right direction.




Last Post’s Comments Responses:


Definingmore, I think you’re talking about this section. I thought of it because there are so many blogs I follow and comment on, but don’t get to see the writers response. Plus I enjoy the comments and don’t want someone you cared enough to comment to feel like I didn’t read or appreciate their comment.

Doc, I will put the bay tour on the list of things to do. I’m hoping t do some shopping and sightseeing, I know that I am going to Little Havana. For dinner we went to Bongo’s, Gloria Estafan’s restaurant and all I know, besides that food was amazingly good is that I will pay the 8 dollars to use the hotel gym.

hmmmm.....

Today was an okay day. I’m trying to get ready for my trip so that always means a ton of work to do. I had coffee for breakfast and thin crust pizza for lunch. So not so great with the food, but that’s all I had and whatever I eat next will be fruit/vegetable and water. The beauty of having a cube tucked away is that I still believe the sun is out and while it is almost 8:30 and I have a few more errands to run I can possibly squeeze in a workout. But let’s be honest, I’ll be lucky if I get my errands ran before I’m ready to go look at my laundry and will it to be done. Oh, if only…

Now for some pictures of how I’m trying to help myself around the office:



Not reads: “Stephanie, these are not for you. You know why” and I do, I do know why. I don't know why these even need to exist. Thank are all gone and I will never know how terrible they tasted.




Note on chocolates read: “The hell you are”
Same lady with the donuts bought in the Dove chocolates. And these peanuts eat up my daily fat allowance. Off to the side is my scale, but still.


Last Post’s Comments Responses:

Doc, I plan to eat them out of fresh fruit and rice and beans, brown rice and beans. Any suggestions? I’m going to left on my own during the day, so I’d like something fun to do. I’m going to little Havana and was wondering if there’s anything else I should put on my list. I look forward to the hotel’s gym. It’s a fancy hotel and that means fancy gym equipment that I can plug my iPhone into!

Treading Lightly, thanks, I will try to take pictures to post!

Doc, What's this salty wet stuff on my face?

I’m not going to lie, I’m fighting back tears. Oh that Doc! It meas a lot that she took time to notice lil ole me. But seriously, thanks. That was very sweet of you to mention me in your blog, as always, you rick and not just because you are a green belt and can kick my ass, but because you are awesome.

I saw the number of comments and thought “oh, there must be a bunch of that double entry thing going on” But no, people care and showed their support. Thank you all. It makes it easier to not feel alone, I know I’m not the first to kind of come to in a slightly tight shirt and say “WTF!” But it makes it less scary and more possible. This is one of the reasons I came back to the blog world. Here we read and we relate to one another and we support in a way that’s missing in our “real” lives. We celebrate each pound loss for our friends and sympathize over every ounce gained.

On to some good news, I decided to bite the bullet (fat free and calorie free, just low carbs) and buy a plane ticket to accompany my cousin on her business trip to…Miami! Yes! I will be in Miami Saturday afternoon. I will also be in Miami in dresses and bathing suits. I will be hoping that the pictures of Miami are not accurate and the people with a MBI of more than 15 are in Miami, in dresses and bathing suits because I will be and I don’t want to e alone. I’m already going to have to convince my cousin on this, but if they aren’t all bathing suit models I’ll only be talking one person into this.

I have tracked my food and I wish I updated it earlier. After this yogurt I have 339 calories and a 3 hour Spanish class to sit through. Aha! Air popped popcorn, YES!

I have to keep it short because I have to get on the road to said 3 hour Spanish class. I would update later but from my facebook update “Verizon sucks donkey balls, massive “dude you should get that looked at” older than dirt donkey, from the second rate donkey show balls” you will know that I still have no internet access at my house.

Last Post’s Comments replies:


You know Doc, it feels good to be back. You are too sweet, your blog mad me cry, for good reason. And you’re right, I know those things and every once in a while we need to hear them again. Shaking it off, thanks.

Deiningmore, I barely survived, 2 weeks before the end I was ready to just say fuck it and them I got my test and projects back and they were good grades so I kept going. It was like seeing you lost a pound after a hellish week.

Treading Lightly, I like that, just being accountable for the actions not the results, I’m going to put that on a post it by my bathroom mirror. I think that even if I don’t eat well or excerise I will always make time to read blogs, it was a silly way to punish myself.

E Jane, boy did those pounds pile up. It hought I would try to lose the gained weight then come back like nothing happened. Silly I know, but that was my plan. And perfect and weight loss just shouldn’t be uttered together, ever.

Karla, it’s good to be back!

Wasiting Time, I wonder if we could market a “diet” of blogging.

Michele, I can do this, I am doing this! And by golly people like me! (that last part was from an old SNL skit, but it fits)

Should I break this entry up or just post all of it?

I’ve been contemplating my return to my blog for weeks now. At first I was anxious about losing readers. Not wholly because it gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling when I saw that it wasn’t just me and my cousin looking at this page (although she has admitted that she hasn’t read it with any kind of regularity), but because I knew it was a tool that helped me stay on track. When I don’t blog I deny myself reading the blogs I love and follow, so I fell out of step and touch with everyone and my goal. To lose all this extra weight and be healthy (to be hot, I really just want to be that hot girl who’s guy can’t believe she’s letting him be with her – cutting through the bullshit, that’s what I want…and to not ALMOST not believe he’s letting me be with him).
Now I shall regale you with some excuses as to why I’ve not blogged, worked out, eaten right, read a blog and binged eat like they were going to stop frying food, using sugar, making chocolate and being available to me.

The first excuse I’m offering is I was taking a full course load, a full 12 credits while working full time and the classes were Applied Calculus, Statistics I , Statistics 2 and Excel (which I saved for the last three weeks because it was an online course and I am clearly not the disciplined sort). That’s a lot of hard math! My grades respectively B, C, B and B, not bad, not A’s; And yes I see that I’m not acknowledging the good of not failing and getting 3 above average grades in difficult courses. I can walk away with the ability to reject or not reject all types of data tests, Z, T and F tests and find their intervals at a given significance level (using my TI-83 of course, long ways is for when you’re trapped on a deserted island) and I can do the Power Rule forwards and backwards (backwards it’s called the integral…don’t forget to add “+ C” to the end) and the Chain, Product and Quotient rules. But during the learning of all this I stopped going to the gym, to study? Sometimes and study food is not grown, not if you really want that knowledge to sink in.

Another one I’m offering up has some merit. I’m not 100% sure about my knees. I’ve run a few times and they’ve “felt” a way. The clicking is almost completely gone – I think I have a life time of glucosamine ahead of me (awesome), but it’s doing the job. Since the semester ended (it ended Saturday, May 7, 2011 at 1:53pm – the time at which I emailed my Applied Calculus take home test) I’ve been to the gym about 3 times and ran a straight mile each time and I can still walk. I think it may be time to stop babying myself on this one. Yeah. It’s time.

My least favorite and probably core reason, I was just flat out eating my emotions. I ate stress and sadness. Sorry, but that’s really I want to say about that.

Okay, my binge eating. Let’s see, what were my “reasons” for allowing that bullshit to happen. The first one was “I have the house to myself; I can eat whatever I want”. I used that one as recently as Sunday, when I had the house to myself and had tres leche cake. That wasn’t even that good, but I ate it. My sister has taken to spend the weekend at her boyfriend’s house with her daughter leaving me alone and left to my own devices. Which is buy something I shouldn’t eat and then something else, get home, take off pants and bra at front door, leaving them there to symbolize freedom and then watch Tivo and stuff my face a little past when I can still taste what I’m eating. I’ve noticed this and spoke about it with a co-worker who despite the way she looks has problems with food. It helps when someone knows what you’ve been doing because you can’t deny it if more than just you know. I’m trying to reign in the eating and not buying junk food which is what I binge on, not that anyone would think I meant carrot sticks and low fat yogurt. But what would it be like?

“You know what I could go for right now? Some carrot sticks, man that would hit the spot! “ or “Would you judge me if I got a huge bowl of carrot sticks and celery?” “Tonight, all I want to do is read this book on how to be fiscally responsible and just eat whole bag of baby carrots by myself…I’m satisfied”

Then there was the time I had a quarter of a Philly Cheese steak from Philly. Reason: It’s from Philly, when will I get a chance to have this again. Reality: Probably always, of all the states, Pennsylvania (almost put Philly) ain’t succeeding nothing and that city is too proud of their cheese steak to stop making them, seeing how the whole “they’re not healthy” aspect hasn’t slowed down production I doubt they’re going anywhere anytime soon. I call serious bullshit on that excuse/reason.

I’m sure there were other gems that couldn’t hold that liquid I should be drinking more of. And all of this has gotten me here. Mad at myself with my pants unbuttoned and at 236. I’m also disappointed. Here I am in my last semester at community college about to complete the longest 2 year degree ever and all I feel is disappointment in myself, fear that this slippery slope (also called a derivative) is not close to ending and anger. I’m angry because this is not where I want to be and because I know it’s going to be harder to get back on track. I’ve had a couple of what I call false starts, but what other choice do I have? Have they seriously not come up with that magic pill yet? What was the down side to Phen Phen again, my college roommate swore by it…but also said it made her a raging bitch, or assertive?

So what do I do now?

Well I’m not going to make any promises, but I am going to set goals. My goals will include working out, tracking my food and blogging (reading and writing).
For the remainder of May, I will work out 3-5 times a week, each workout should include a 1 mile run and should burn at least 500 calories. I will track all the food I put in my body, blog each weekday, once a weekend. Read the blogs I follow for inspiration (I’d love to do this at home, but I’m in a fight with Verizon, again)

I found this draft just hanging out

I’m still in my funk and I’m trying to shake it and get back to who I was a year ago. A year ago I felt stronger and did more. Maybe it is being in school and it has gotten more involved, Statistics and Applied calculus aren’t classes that just come naturally to me or are very easy, but I have to get them done. I have to stop seeing them as excuses but things that take up time and energy. I have 2 more weeks which means I have finals and projects to contend with and then a summer break. Or I can take my three remaining classes and I can graduate FINALLY with the world’s longest 2 year degree.

Now for the exercising, I no longer live in the gym, I miss it. I don’t know the staff there are a bunch of new faces. That use to be my home, but not anymore. I don’t know what my body can do anymore. I can’t remember the last time I pushed myself or screamed out in pain from sweat dripping in my eyes. I’m currently commiserating with my good friend Lila over email. She can’t fit her pants and I’m eating something I shouldn’t while wanting something else just as bad.

Time to take off this dress and end this pity party

This has been a rough week. I thought I would be too busy with school and work and I could just make it through. I think I made it through the first part of my “down period”; I just have mother’s day and her birthday ahead of me. I get real cranky on Mother’s Day.

Wow, I can’t even get through this post without crying, at least there’s no one around to explain my tears to. That always seems to make me cry harder.

But tears dry up and we have to keep moving on. I’m going to go a little easy on myself until the semester is over. I can’t do it all and as much as I want to go to the gym and don’t want to go, I have to use that time studying. I have an Applied Calculus midterm this Saturday and a Stat project to start (anyone care to help in either subject?

I’ve been trying to eat right, but I just don’t want to put it in my mouth. I want good quick comfort food…with cheese on it. I am going to try my hand at some smoothies since it’s been warm out (it’s suppose to drop to the 50’s on Friday).

One thing did happen that made me squeal, I got my race for the cure t-shirt (and it’s too big) and number, I will be #10212 on June 4th. I actually squealed and started daydreaming about training for it and then about running it. It’s something to look forward to.

Previous Posts’ Comments:

Sarah, school is kicking my butt and I’ve had to concentrate on studying and less on going to the gym. I wish I was compensating with eating right, but nope. I’ll get to the 21x one day LOL

Cori, Did the book come? I hope you enjoy it. I haven’t been keeping up on non school related (fun) reading, but I hope you’re getting the most out of it. I’m glad you like the NSV; I need to get some more on there, hopefully, soon.

Pretty Pauline, thanks for the hug, I can never have too many of those 

E Jane, thanks for the condolences, I’m usually a bit more upbeat and sometimes witty. I’m just not all in it these days, but I’m coming around.

RIP Mommie

It's been 5 years ago today.

Day 5, oh boy, I’m slipping

So here we are, it’s Friday! Yay! There’s been no morning workout although I woke up early to spend some time with my niece. I was able to get to Trader Joe’s last night for their brown rice and picked up some edamame because I was hungry and they were an impulse buy. At least it was a healthy impulse buy, yay!

Today has just been work, not as easy as I thought it would be and some slip ups, for the detox. I had a 90 calorie granola bar, more peanuts and the badest of the bad, half (the good half, the top half) of an everything bagel…WITH jalapenos cream cheese. The sad part is I was already eating my salad. A salad that was larger than ever because while I opened the bag on Tuesday, the rate of browning decided to act like I opened it last Tuesday and it said good until the 11th, it wasn’t gonna make it past tonight, so it was a use it or lose in situation. I had that bagel and it was good and that’s all I needed, I was full, but if I have a snack it will be the edamame.

I still have my dinner tonight and I know what I’m getting, the braised lamb pappardelle. Did I tell you already? I’m very excited about this meal. And due to the bagel and my exam schedule I have cancelled taco night tomorrow. (That is by far the saddest sentence ever) But I need to study for my test on Tuesday and I want to spend all Saturday on it. But our study group is at a café, I plan to bring the brown rice and bean corn mix, it’s very filling, I’ll have tea and pray for the strength to resist the baked goods.

Today was also a day for celebration (and a bit of jealousy, but more happy for her feelings). Sarah (we are forever bonded in pink) has gotten out of the 220s. I am so happy and proud of her. She was struggling for a bit there, but she did it. And I can only imagine how she feels because that has been my goal since forever. So I’d like to take a moment (and a paragraph) to say “Fuck yeah Sarah! Whoooo!!!! Size 14 look out because here comes Sarah!”


Last Post's Comments:

Yes Cori that's what my salads look like. The shredded purple cabbage sets off all of the colors and is tasty. I'm so excited for the warm weather, not just because I will be warm, but because of all the veggies and fruit that some into season. I will gladly wake up early for a farmer's market.

Day 4, An unexpected early start

I woke up a little early and my house felt different, I checked my phone and I had a message from my sister. She was at a friend’s house and would be taking my niece, her daughter to school. At first I thought, that’s too disruptive for a child to “sleepover” during the school week and I hoped she had all her homework because she loves Friday fun day (she did not and she is not having Friday Fun Day, but she was okay because her mom knew and wasn’t mad) and then I thought, it’s early, if I put on my gym clothes and take my work clothes I can go to the gym and I won’t have to worry about it after class. And that’s what I did! I through on some gym clothes, threw my work clothes in a bag and was happily on my way to the gym. I got to stretch, I did 20 pushups and 100 crunches (25 reps of different kinds – I coughed and boy did I work my abs). It felt good and I got on that scale again and I did not hate it, but I will keep my weigh in to Monday.






Lunch was the same colorfulness it has been and I’m still enjoying it.





Then I faltered with a handful of peanuts and at least 7 chocolates. *sigh* I was doing so well, but I picked it back up with dinner and it was the bean/corn mix (I added peas, not bad, but I’ll leave it out next time) and brown rice. Sorry no picture as I was too hungry to wait.


Last Posts’ Comments

Cori, I’m doing the detox in the Fat Smash Diet by Dr Ian K Smith. Feel free to email me if you want more info, I’d post more, but I don’t want to break any copyright laws.

Dr, I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve had a good salad and these are hitting the spot. I’m going to give up on the all or nothing thinking, it’s just an excuse to be bad. The detox is just how it’s referred to in the book I read. I fell it’s getting rid of all the processed stuff out of my system and replacing my cravings with good cravings like sautéed spinach instead of fries. I’m tempted to relate it to clean eating, but I haven’t read enough on that topic to really compare, but I sure there are similarities.
Did you experience any “excess hair shedding” after your surgery? I read a few things online and it seems like it’s possible side effect.

Day 3, I'm being the goodest I can

I’m still feeling good about not being in the 230s, but I’m pretty close to being back in there. My day’s been out of whack and I think that might be why I slipped up. Four words for you: Chocolate Angel Food Cake. Two more words: One Bite. That’s all I had, that’s all it took to know that it wasn’t worth it. Mainly because while it smelled like heaven the taste was off, the chocolate they used to flavor it didn’t quite work. Had I not cared that I was almost back in the 230s I might have had a full slice and eaten it, but I do care. There have also been more treats bought in to the office, but I had some grapes on my desk and it took me a while to get through those so they kept me in line until lunch, which was super colorful and crunchy. Another simple meal put together at work. I got the American salad mix and added more shredded carrots and shredded red cabbage. I halved a few grape tomatoes and added a few jalapeno slices sprinkled with chick peas for a bit of protein. Not picture is the light ranch dressing I added, it was about 1.5 tablespoons, just enough to lightly coat most of the salad.





I’m working late again because there’s so much to do and I want to get it done before it’s asked for, but after that I’m going to the gym. I will have to hodge podge my workout outfit because I’m didn’t realize I didn’t really have an outfit in my car. So wish my luck, coverage and support :)

I don’t know if I mentioned this and while I can look back over my entries, I like to keep this conversational, but I have some dinners planned that are coming up and with the detox you’re suppose to start over if you cheat (I’m not counting prunes and light dressing or a bite of angel food cake – last time I worked at a bar and did not cut out alcohol). I know I’m going to eat more than what’s on the detox plan, I’ve come to terms with it and plan to start over when that does happens. And looking at my calendar it looks like I’m not going to get a full 9 days of detoxing done this month, I will get 4 days, 6 days, and then 7 days. Now can I start detox 4 times staying in Phase I? Shit, I don’t know, but I’m sure the hell gonna try until I get my 9 days. *fingers crossed* My friend asked me why would I bother if I know I’m going to break it. Maybe my logic is flawed, but I feel some is better than none and its not like I’m eating deep friend bacon wrapped fettuccini Alfredo (please no one try to bring that to the next festival they go to, next to the deep fried Oreos/snickers/Twinkies, but if you do, I want royalties) during these meals. On Friday I’m going to probably have pork tenderloin with vegetables and wine. But why not cut calories before and after?




On the subject of going natural, I really wish I knew what kind of curl my hair will do. I saw a lady today and just said “I’m going natural for sure.” And of course women will talk hair at the drop of a hat. I’ve enjoyed these conversations with strangers about going natural. But I’m positive I’m going to get braids soon and after I take those out make the decision about cutting my hair. I am open to product suggestions. So far the commom thread has been olive oil, shea butter and cocunt oil. Check check and check.


UPDATE: Leaving work at 10pm, no gym for me, bed for me.

Last Post’s Comments:


Ms H, I am glad it’s not in the 230s, you don’t even know, well maybe you do because your out of nowhere 10 pounds had you close to the next decade. I also picked up the ingredient to make that bean and corn dish again. I’m going to make a burrito bowl type thing tonight, just to get more veggies in me and I only have a little brown rice left, I’m just going to make it as usual and put it on a bed of lettuce. Also, you run a lot.

Day 2 of the detox

In addition to the salad dressing, I also had a few sunflower seeds and 3 prunes. Not horrid choices, but not a part of the detoxing.

So from my last two posts you can see that I did in fact go to the gym and while there I weighed myself with some less than pleasing results, for which there were no words, just pictures, and this number 234. That's right, I'm back to fighting my way out of the 230s. Thank goodness I was at the gym and I got my reality check. I was ready for a fight out of the 220s, but this blew my mind and then I thought back to all the things I ate and all the things i didn't do. I can't blame the scale, I ate it, I didn't move. *sigh*

So I got a bag of lettuce, a bag of shredded carrots and a bag of shredded red cabbage, and a jalapeño. I meant to get chick peas but forgot. I also made this dish up. It was originally inspired by a summer salad a Starbucks that manage to cram a lot of fat into it.

I took 1 can of corn, 1 can of black beans, rinsed them and rinsed and drained them. Added 1 packet of sazon, the badia brand because it has no MSG, added some left over Pico de Gallo and a healthy dose of crushed red pepper flakes.




I was hungry so I mixed it with brown rice. But you can eat it hot or cold as it is.



I'm probably going to have the same thing for dinner. Thank goodness I don't get tired of the samething easily. I never understood the whole, I can't have blank because I had it for lunch.

I'm running a bit late for class, I want to get this entry in first. I have gym clothes for a workout after class, school has helped me be lax on the workouts, but I did it before, I can do it again. I'll just be tired.


UPDATE:

I did it again! Yay! Also, I got on the scale again, naked and I somehow lost 4 of the pounds I gained. The scale was nicer with 229, but now I'm confused. I'm going to stick with 234 and weigh in on Monday.




Last Posts' Comments:
Bluberri, the feeling does tend to pass about 5 to 10 minutes into it and even if I still feel blah, I can do at least 45 minutes of it with the right playlist. What are you listening to? I’ve lost my playlist when I got a new laptop. ITunes needs to be better about the transfer thing.

Ms. H, I want to go natural, but I’m scarred I’ll hate it, but all sings point to me loving it. I’ve stopped every natural woman I know to ask questions. But for real, what if my head looks funny? LOL Glad you liked the comments, I need a laugh, I guess this 10 pound thing is catching. Btw that race cruise looks freaking awesome!

I weighed myself last night...

Day 1 of Detox, So far so good

I’m so very ready for today to be over. On the food front I am proud that I only broke the detox when I put a bit of dressing on my salad. I had yogurt and tea for breakfast and for lunch I had a huge salad from a salad bar, so it was pricey. I use to get spinach, but I needed something with a higher crunch and water factor. Then I just started loading up on veggies, grape tomatoes, shredded carrots, shredded radish, peas (Peas? Surprisingly good) chickpeas and jalapenos. And a table spoon of dressing, it was creamy Caesar, I know that wasn’t the best choice, but it’s what I had. I got a lot of food so I thought I would be munching on it all day, not so much. About 20 minutes later it was gone and I was missing it. I followed up with a banana and had an afternoon snack of grapes. The convenient thing about this detox is that I don’t have to weigh the fruits or veggies, although I am tempted to. I’ve also had more water than I’ve had in a while

My hopeful self want to go to the gym after work and have brown rice with veggies, maybe beans for dinner. I feel like I’m making a wish and squeezing my eyes tight so that it comes true “Pretty please I wish I make it to the gym so I can get back on track so I can lose more weight and then fit into cuter flirtier dresses soon because it’s getting warm out and those cute dresses don’t come in plus size, even though they should…with no calorie sweetener on top”

I’m not going to lie that kind of worked. But I keep having moments of just wanting to go home and doing nothing, well, getting in my bed and veging out, turning off my brain because it was not ready for today and I overworked it somehow. Now I’m going to picture myself at the gym getting my cardio on and then going to yoga, but that would be me eating too late…maybe no yoga. I need to hold that in my head, me on the machine working it out feeling great, like the first time I ran after not being allowed to for months! When you don’t want to go to the gym is when you should go. Maybe I’ll look at some dresses to get my butt in gear.

That didn’t really work. I just saw dresses a bunch of “just because you’re skinny doesn’t make that right” dresses. Even the models’ waists didn’t start that high. And I’m still against horizontal stripes.

In other news I’m going natural. My hair has been relaxed since I was in grade school, but last year I noticed a bald spot (that still hasn’t fully grown back in) and decided that chemicals would not be the best idea. So I just never got a touch up. I think the last time was for my friend’s wedding in October. I have quite a bit of new growth and a new problem. Strands and strand are just coming out in my comb. I have no other bald spots and I remember a lot of “breakage” whenever I let a long time between touch ups pass. But I think I’m just not going to, at least not this year. I’m going to transition for a while (continue to let my hair grown out) before I do the big cut. I’ve been rocking an updo with a headband and I’ve gotten a lot of compliments, which puts me at ease. But spring is upon us and I think I’m going to get braids to let my hair grow and to have another hair style.

Last Post’s Comments:

Yeah Ms H, I’m glad to have a job and to like the people I work with, it just all became to be a little too much. Sometimes I forget what seems logical and rational are not always how things are done because it’s my logic, not theirs. And I will go running with her, the weather seems to be taking a spring like turn, finally!

An entry more on topic

As for weight loss part of this blog, I don’ think there’s been any this week and I’ve not been counting my calories, nor have I made it to the gym. I was going to write a post about how I think my knee is better because I don’t remember the last time it made a sound or felt funny walking up the stairs and then it did all of that and I decided that talking about it jinx me and I don’t want any more jinxes because it’s race season and I want to be in at least three of them. My friend Ellen has been on track with her running and I sort of want to join her, but I’m afraid I’ll slow her down, but I need to get out there. I’m signed up for the Race for the Cure in May, but my team will be just me. One friend will be out of the country and the other is flakey and I’m just not going to count her. I have some other friends doing it so I might join them or just go at it alone, which might not be a terrible thing. So Monday is around the corner and a great day to start my detox from the Fat Smash diet of VH1 Celerity Fit Club fame.

I use to crave the good stuff. I went home for lunch once because I wanted sautéed spinach. I use to count out my calories like Scrooge McDuck counted his money (yup, that’s a Ducktales reference). I would plan my life around the gym and I’ve declined many an invitations to hang out for some gym time. My laundry was also full of gym clothes; I knew the staff at the gym. I miss that me. That me was doing better and happier about life and on her way out of the plus size section and saying good bye to the tire hanging over her jeans. That me was on her way to being the me I want to be.

My next post will include my detox plan and food plan. I will also attempt a workout plan.

A venting entry about my job

What a week this has been. I realized that my job is no longer what it once was or what I want to do much longer. It all kind of came to ahead when my frustrations with our billing department was mimicked by others. I’ve repeatedly been told to be more diplomatic. But I think I was really being told to take it and try to not have them get upset again. I mind that the system we have in place is backwards creates more work for me. I was being accused by the billers that I was entering in the information and then going back into the system and changing it. Riiiight, because my workload is so light and it’s just more fun to do it 3 times. The software creator explained that we are doing it backward and that’s why the error occurs. The chorus of “I’m sorry” was deafening, like five cotton balls all hitting a down pillow at once. But I’ve since let that go. What I can’t let go is the bending over backwards to make their job easier while making ours harder. Our department works fine together, we have stressful times around closing, but that comes with the territory.

My department rocks, but it was still no surprise when the AR lady in my department gave her notice. For as much as trouble as I have with the billers, her’s is tenfold because she needs more contact with them and it’s getting to the point where all the extra steps we have to take is ridiculous and most of them feel as though treating us like people isn’t necessary and, love my boss, he doesn’t really stand up for us. He makes our deadline to them soft, in turn screwing us on our deadline, but I think he’s starting to get sick of it as well. Long story short, I don’t want to do what I do. With our company growing, so has my workload, but my opportunity to do or learn more has decreased. Because of my current work load and future workload, I can’t take on any additional responsibilities. I wanted to learn the AR side of operations, but I had no time, so someone else in the department “got” to do it. She is not pleased.

Oh, and I had a quiz on Thursday in Statistics and while I thought I had my shit together, I in fact did not. I’ve got my fingers crossed for partial credit and some magic. I wish I had time to attempt the extra credit problem, but no. And to make that day even more spectacular, I had to go to work afterwards to get my 3 check runs done (those deadlines for the billers that got pushed back made that necessary) because Friday was the AR girls last day. I had the cake.

At least I feel I have a better understanding of the material and my homework grades have been better, all 100’s, well, one was 97.8, but I rounded up. I’m also feeling better about my Applied Calculus class; I’m getting a grasp on it. I think I need to get another notebook for problems and get work a few each day so I can remember them. My teacher is right, it goes in and then it falls out when I don’t do anything with it. I just have to be on top of this for a few more weeks and the semester will be over. I hope to start a University next spring and truth be told, if my job would pay for that upfront I would totally stay, but I think that’s not the best for me. Time to start looking at scholarships and ugh, essay writing. I don’t want to take out anymore loans at all; I’m still paying those back.


This week was not fun, but it is over so that's good.

Do Not Read if Your Hungry...I know right?

So I managed to leave to house, YAY. It was to go to the grocery store for a few items, but that’s about it. Well, that’s not entirely true. I was craving comfort food, Dominican comfort food. I had been toying with the idea of making pernil for a while and this was the day. I got up early (the days of sleeping in on the weekends seem to be over) and prepared the pork, this was my first time making pork and it had a slab of skin and umm…it got too real, too this is an animal, but not too real that I wasn’t going to cover it in adobe, stuff it with garlic and pour a marinade all over it. Just a little shy of that real. I let it sit in the fridge for three hours and then slow cooked it in the oven all day.

The house smelled good, warm, like there was a family there, not just me. Then came the rice, white not brown and the Dominican red beans. I tried to be healthy with the plantains, but that didn’t go to well. Fried plantains are twice fried, fried once to soften the banana then removed and smashed and then fried again. I decided to boil it the first time and then fry it. I was so not on point with the eating, but this was my only mea of the day. But I boiled it too much and they fell apart when I smashed them, so I made magu, it’s like mashed potatoes, but with plantains. And if I was going to have magu I needed picked red onions, which are red onions pickled in lime juice and goes nicely with most meals, kind of like avocado, which I also had. And it was good, there is something going on that I can’t put my finger on it, but clearly from this meal, it something. I also had angel food cake; hey it could have been tres leche cake, easy. I think I did well on my portions all things considered.

Weekend Wonders

This weekend started out okay. I had the house to myself again so that was nice. My plan was to get up early and do some homework before class, but that didn’t really happen. I did manage to get up and out of the house with enough time to go to the slowest Saturday Starbucks ever. It’s a mix a good mix of two worker’s helping one person and unprepared Starbucks novices. I wish I could call my order in sometimes. So I make it to class and that’s when it changes, the take home I worked so hard on didn’t go as well as I thought. It seems I didn’t interpret the questions correctly so that didn’t help, but the one’s I got right I got right. I’m still pissed about it, but there’s no way to argue “sketch a graph” doesn’t mean “create a function” to me when it did to other people. I didn’t even think that’s what it could mean and maybe that’s the problem? But what’s wrong with writing “Create a function that….” That’s what I’d like to know. So now I’m monopolizing the teacher’s time during office hours and we’re going over everything from the week before. I will learn her speak and applied calculus.

So at the end of class and the tutoring session and doing the homework I decided it was time to go to the gym. I actually wanted to go to spaworld, but my friend cancelled on me (and another friend) yet again. Two things came out of that. 1. I’m no longer accepting invites from this girl, sad, but it’s too frustrating and 2. I went to my gym sans hot tubs and saunas. I was disappointed and really wasn’t feeling the whole workout thing, but I got my 500 and left. This I what not really feeling it looks like.




Not too shabby.

Last Post's Comments:

Thanks for understanding Sarah, I do love everything you were sweet enough to send.

I feel like an ungrateful ass

I’m so very sorry Sarah and Katie.

Katie over at Finding the Thin within, which is now named Are you Willing.
I was scrolling through my posts trying to recapture the fire I had and I noticed this post was missing. I guess in my drug haze of recover I thought I posted it. In hind sight maybe it’s best I didn’t post anything in that state, I’m still concerned about this conversation I had with my Aunt that I don’t recall. I haven’t been uninvited to any family functions so I guess it wasn’t too bad. So here’s my long overdue post:

Thank you so much Katie for putting this together. I remember a few years ago watching a documentary about this overweight woman who had a weight loss community much like the one we have here. I think the lady was house bound or something along those lines, but she was really lonely as we can all remember or imagine how lonely it gets sometimes, but one of her close friends from her online community sent her a care package and she broke down and just cried because she was so touched someone cared enough about her to send her anything a gift and it made her feel connected to the world. Oh boy, I’m getting teary eyed just remembering it. Anyway, I remember thinking how nice it would be to get a gift from someone who just wants you to have something special and shares in your struggles. And the theme is pink, I have (had, it no longer fits, and I’m rather sad about that) a pink coat.

So I asked Sarah over at Finding My Fabulosity (she’s the one with the cheek bones I covet) to my job because in all honesty I wanted to tear into it as soon as possible. She used an envelope box that is the exact same kind that we use and a co-worker bought it over and I was like “Oh, my envelopes are here.” But then I noticed she was carrying it with one hand and she’s small. I looked at the label and squealed and clapped like a little girl. Then I grabbed my box and went to an empty cube to look and play with my loot.



I laughed because of the similarities in what I sent Sarah and what she sent me. I sent her pink socks and I now have these cute socks that I wore while recovering and had to fight my niece for.

I saw a packet of pink themed post its that I sent her and she sent me these cute pink and brown ones. My friend teases me that even if I have a boy my nursery would be pink and brown.

I sent her these awesome pink ear buds, now this is the crazy freaky part. I can’t wear ear buds, these are the only kind I can wear, I think Sarah’s been reading my blog or stalking me or physic, either way, I’m grateful because I broke my old ones and they look cute pink and bad ass.

The similarities end there. I got her scrapbooking things and a jump rope. I got myself one too, but she got the pink one. That scarf is a hot pink and according to me it goes with everything especially in my drafty office. I always see those, but never buy one for myself.

The flashlights are awesome, now I can’t say I can’t run outside because it’s dark. Awesome. LOL

And my absolute favorite is the insulated lunch bag. Lean Cuisine was having a giveaway, 20 special codes and you get a trendy lunch bag for free. So far I have one. Now I’ve since eaten more than 20 of those bad boys, but the code isn’t on all of them and I got sad thinking how I was not going to get one of those bags. I know I could have purchased one, but let’s be real, it’s different when it’s “free”, but not as good as when it’s a gift! And that heart shaped balloon is still at my messy desk.

Bad Boss

This morning as I drove in I knew things would go my way. I was a little ahead of schedule WITH my bag of air popped popcorn and I was ready for Friday. I got my Kashi Golden Goodness and had just enough milk and things were good. They were good until my boss came in with Krispy Kreme doughnuts. *sigh* I want to tell you I was strong and fought the good fight. But why lie, I lie enough, for instance my age is 30, I’ve been 30 for almost 16 months now. The only time I tell my real age is on cardio equipment and the government, oh and surveys. But I had some doughnuts, and they were good, I’m not proud. I’m not proud of eating them or what they made me do to the bathroom, but what’s done is done.

It looks like I’ll have the house to myself so I will probably do some videos and jump rope tonight and have more popcorn to counteract the glazed wrongness I enjoyed today. But before or after I tackle calculus? I think I’ll go hard on some applied calculus tonight and tomorrow and treat myself to SpaWorld tomorrow after class/studying. I can work out in the gym and then relax my cares away.

Quick and Dirty

It was another, I could have done better day. I had a good breakfast and I barely drank my coffee. But then I had Texas chili for lunch and then 10 jelly beans. Well I after writing that I guess it wasn’t that bad. I had a large bowl of air popped popcorn, 4 dried apricots, a banana and 2 oatmeal cookies.


I wanted to work out today, but I finished two Stat homework assignments instead. I need to increase my water intake and eat better, but for right now I need to sleep.

Tuesday, is it Groundhog Day

Just like yesterday, I started off with Kashi Golden Goodness and fat free milk, regular milk I might add, much cheaper than lactaid and now I can have it since I was incorrectly diagnosed by my mother, who wasn’t a doctor, as being lactose intolerant, just some gallstones. I’m still excited about that expense being gone. There was also espresso with fat free half and half. Same thing I had yesterday morning. And then that freaking meeting from yesterday is apparently a 2 day meeting and I had a slice of coffee cake (A slice?), a slice and a half (really?), FINE-AH! Two slices but one of the slices was thin (Thin?) OMFG! It was thinner than the others, I think. As yeah, I had that with more coffee. Self control, where have you gone? I might have to do a detox to get rid of these cravings, goodness I don’t want to, but I think that’s what’s gonna have to happen and the sooner I accept that the sooner I can do it and the sooner I’ll be able to be more in control. Sooner sooner sooner… that better mean now brain.

I had a 6 inch turkey and pepper jack cheese sub from subway. Coming from NYC and spending time in Bethesda, MD I have come to the conclusion that subway is acceptable. Much like the NY style pizza down here (Northern Virginia/DC Metro Area), once you accept (oh of course this you can accept) that it will not be a hero or a deli sandwich and that the pizza crush will be chewy you start to enjoy the food for what it is and not hate it for what it is not. I’m pretty sure I defined settling in that statement, but what else am I to do? So back to my sub, after the meat and cheese it’s really just a salad on bread with light mayo and deli mayo and I enjoyed it with some more of that air popped popcorn. Yes, I am addicted to the popcorn, you can eat a lot of it with very little fat and calories and it has the crunch I need.

I have stayed away from the jelly beans today, so that’s good. I do however need to drink more water and get back to work. I’m still undecided on the gym tonight, although I think the TWO slices of coffee cake tell me I should try to work at least one of them off.

I’ve been a bad bad girl

I’ve been careless with calorie and sweets intake. Sorry, but I’ve always loved me some Fiona Apple and that still upset that fellow New Yorker was dismissed from American Idol (that’s how behind I am with TV, that was the last American Idol show I saw). As an Apple fan, I thought it was a good rendition of it. But then we’d get me started on the whole “You didn’t do anything with the song it was karaoke” and the “I didn’t even recognize the song, you changed it” statements that we’ve all known to be in the judges repertoire, but I digress and maybe with the new judges they’re singing a different tune. So, yesterday, Tuesday was a dozy of a day that I’ve repeated (I’ll tell you about that in the following post). I started tackling my filing project, we have no admin help and it’s March and I have no 2011 files, but a shitton of papers to go in them. Apparently I can’t put labels on files without jellybeans, which have become this Easter’s candy of choice. Ever since I was reintroduced to skittles, chewy sugary empty calories have become my down fall. Then there was the office meeting that was catered and anyone in an office knows that means free lunch. Half a croissant with cheese and mustard (not so bad) some chips (ehhh, could have done without chips, I had air popped popcorn that would have been a better alternative) oh and a cookie (a cookie?), 2 cookies (and?) a half of brownie, but not the one with nuts (well then that magically subtracts fat and calories from everything you just ate). And I felt awful after that and paid for it.

I head to class armed with 3 oz of air popped popcorn flavored with spray butter and some “slap yo’ mama” seasoning and a coke zero (awesome, you know they spell out the 0 so you don’t get it confused with the O in H2O because they’re not the same thing). I have mixed emotions about Coke Zero, I drink it, but I just don’t trust it, it was just the easiest free beverage to take with me and I was being lazy.

Class was good and short, since it was short I got giddy thinking about going home and being home and having “free time”. I was gonna go home and be lazy on the couch. On my way home, thank goodness I pass by my gym, I started thinking about someone I was less than fond of and was fuel to the fire I had at the beginning of this and that’s all it took for me to take the exit for my gym. The smartest thing I did was pack my car for multiple gym visits. And thought I would start off with a mile run and finish with one, with a good session on the elliptical. I got on the treadmill and I was not feeling it. Like my body wasn’t getting into the movement of running and it felt clumsy and I lasted just a little over 5 minutes.



Felling a little defeated I moved on to the elliptical and got into that groove. My goal was 500 calories and as I was about to reach 500 I noticed that I was at 4.5 miles and I changed my goal to 5 miles and when I was close to 5 miles I noticed I was close to 600 calories and changed my goal. As I was getting close to 600 I noticed that time was running out and I couldn’t increase my time anymore. If I was going to get 599 calories I would have been pissed, but I didn’t!



So I had a bit of redemption, but then had some lasagna when I got home. I’m just not in control, and as much as I want to acknowledge the workout I did, I don’t feel it’s appropriate until I’m back in control.


Last Post's Comment:
Doc, I'm glad Super nanny is still super and that co-worker has calmed down, but I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you had the time to deal with it and be with family now. Although I get the impression that the people around you would understand, I know that sometimes the crappy hard choice is the "right" choice. You and your family are in my thoughts. NEVER GIVE UP!

I'm here, I'm here

There been a lot of emotional crap that has happened in the past couple of weeks and while I want to tell all, I’m just not comfortable with expressing it. I’m the type of person that internalizes it and try to work it out on my own. I don’t think I even know how to freely rely on another person comfortably. So with that said, I’m in a weird mind space and I’m working through some things that are a bit bigger than I ate that cookie.

But on to better things. On Friday I left work “early” (at 4, I already had 40 hours by 11am)and went to the gym. Did I have a calculus take home test to take? Yes. Was it due Saturday morning? Yes? Was it the wisest thing to do, going to the gym and working out? Yes. Why? Because I needed it and I missed it. The gym trip unfolded nicely. I was on the elliptical for a little over 20 minutes and I noticed the Friday Zumba class was starting and I thought, that should be fun and I’m over my 250, passed my half way point, I’m sure I’ll burn 250 calories in an hour of Zumba.





I prefer the Zumba classes that have a Spanish soundtrack. I don’t know why, but when its rap it just feels like one of those Bally classes (nothing against those classes) that try to teach you the latest moves so you can go to any hip hop club and impress. Which is never what happens by the way; I’ve never seen anyone win a dance off with Bally Hip Hop class moves. Maybe the Dominican in me, but I salsa music just makes you want to move more. I’m still uncomfortable watching myself doing those moves, it just looks wrong an awkward.

When class was done, I asked about the old school salsa song and the cumbia song that was played, the two slow songs I might add, but they’re great songs. Cali Pachanguero and Mil Horas respectively. I was feeling good and pumped after the class, while it was fun, I didn’t give it my all, not like the last class I went to with T at her gym, the teacher was just that good. Not that this teacher wasn’t good, that teacher was amazing. So I still had some more gas in the tank and I want to get back to where I was so I got on the treadmill and see what I could do. And I ran this:




My speed was under 5 the whole time, but it felt good to run again and my knee wasn’t hurting, but it could be better. That was Friday and it’s Monday and my knees don’t seem to be worse for the run; which is great news. I think it’s time to invest in some new running shoes, my current sneakers are years old and are torn up inside. It’s time for new shoes and running outside. My friend E has been running outside so I might see if she wouldn’t mind if I tagged along with her on one of her outdoor runs If anyone who’s started out on a treadmill and then ran outside know that there is a whole hell of a lot of a difference. Since starting back running (yes I’m declaring a comeback after 2 small runs) I’ve tried to treat it more like an outdoor run I don’t bounce as much, I keep my steps low to the ground because you don’t over much ground hopping along.

I always feel like I’ve had a good workout be the amount of sweat that’s in (on?) my clothes when I take them off. I had a good workout and I will spare you from a picture, but I sweat here you sweat, I promise you. Kind of makes the stretching I did on the floor kind of awkward. But I still can’t do a bunch of squats and power squats are still a few weeks away I think and lunges feel wrong on my knees. I’m not pleased at how slow that’s going because everyone says squats are the best thing you can do and there’s no better sore than squat sore.

My goals for this week are to log my food and stay under 1300 calories and workout at least 3 times and blog at least once a day. I’ve let school and work take over and while I want to spend more time on school work I want to spend less time on work. But I’ll save that for another post.

I would like to take moment to spot light my latest obsession:



I’ve been a die hard 0% honey Fage girl, but I decided to branch out and one I had the blueberry one it was over, I was in love. I hope to find the mango flavored one because I love mangos. I also hope to find a comparable blueberry preserves so I can get the large plain Fage yogurts.




Past Post’s Comments:

Ms H, it was a good workout. I was concerned that when I went back to the gym it would be like starting back at one. But I still have the stamina to complete the cardio and I’m glad that restarting running wasn’t like when I first started running. I would have gone through C25K, but I’m glad I don’t have to. And I’m looking forward to reading your post on your trip!

Doc, you know what I missed you a lot too and I felt bad every time I was going to post and didn’t. I was like “Man, I bet doc things I gave up and don’t care about her or me anymore, but I do. What’s her super nanny making her this week and what belt is she up to now? And is that jealous coworker of hers giving her any trouble, she better not if she knows what’s good for her.” LOL

Where are my posts?

All in my head. Every time I thought to post something came up. A Stat class project, then a final or an applied calculus quiz. Or my favorite, it just didn’t seem right to blog about weight loss while eating Chipotle or a Drake’s ding dong.

Let me speak on the Ding Dong for a moment because I feel it deserves some recognition. Drakes products in itself will always have a special place in my heart, they are the pastries I grew up on in the Bronx back in the day, just like I will lose all control for the Wise brand chip, especially their cheese doodles and cheese puffs. They are my weakness and when I find them I lose myself. So these Ding Dongs, I put the first one in my mouth and ate it slow making noises akin to the adult movie soundtracks. It was so very good. And then I finished the box chasing that high. Of course it didn’t happen, but I tried my best to recapture it with that box. They were a mistake, along with the Chipotle, delicious, but they didn’t help me one bit.

I have returned to the gym, but it’s been sporadic at best. I was letting my work load (no worker bees or worker gnomes did my work while I was out so there was plenty to be done and everybody’s request was the most important thing in my life and oh so urgent...for me to do, not them, we all have access to the same information) and my class work monopolize my time. It wasn’t until I was on the phone with my friend and she was sore from her gym visit and I was filled with so much jealousy I just needed to get that feeling back, so off tot h gym I went to see what I could still do. My first day back was Thursday and let me tell you. It was awesome. I felt like me gain. I warmed up on the treadmill and after a minute I decided to open it up and do a little run and it felt amazing to run again. I was smiling so hard. I was able to run without pain and I could breathe.






Then I burned my 500 on the elliptical and I was going to do some floor work, but I wanted more. So I went to the empty studio and jumped rope for a bit. I can still do that as well as I could before, not consistent, but I have good stretches of jumping. And then I thought, how about some squats. I managed 2 reps of 10 squats with 5 pulses in the basement. Not my highest count, but I felt it for days after. I managed 20 pushups and 50 crunches, again, not what I was doing before I stopped, but more than what I had done the day before.




I had plans to go back to LA boxing this past weekend, but I caught the spring cleaning bug and tackled the dresser tops in my room. They are orderly, but I’m a girl, there’s crap there. And I hung up my first race number to inspire and remind me of what I can do and what I want to do. But cleaning sore was an experience and I smiled while I suffered through the pain.


I managed to get to the gym on Monday, I ran a little and burned my 500+, 50 crunches and 20 of the deepest pushups I can remember doing.
I also cooldown with a anther short run to get my body use to it again.









At this point I’m just trying to figure out how to balance school, work and me. So far there hasn’t been much time for me.

Go ahead and call me a big baby

But I feel like I am. Maybe I tried to stop taking the meds too soon. With all that’s going on I’m kind of freaked out about getting addicted to pills. But last night was awful, I was up and uncomfortable and grumpy. Now I love my sister, but I could have used a bit more attention, I maintain the person who had the surgery shouldn’t have to make their own dinner; just saying. I'm just done not feeling well or having the energry to do anything.

Anyway I woke up today (Tuesday) and had a fever of 100.6 and freaked out, I threw off the covers and retook it, 97.9, yeah, no infection! I’m not great at this whole being sick thing at all. I took a shower and tuckered myself out and then lost the whole afternoon to sleep. Tuesday was awful, but I made some spaghetti with basil infused olive oil, tasty, but bland and low fat. I had maybe a cup and a half and the only tins I’ve really been eating are apples, lovely honey crisps. I fielded some text and just took my medication, I’m going to be still and let this sleep come to me. Night all.

Girls without gallbladders do it better

Today was surgery day. I had to be there by 6am; my super awesome friend came over last night to spend the night so she could take me. I made her a packet with magazines, sour patch kids and directions to nearby shopping places. It was the same hospital my mom was in, so that as a little hard, but I remember everyone there being really nice and caring so I chose that hospital despite the memories. Everyone was super nice and I felt taken care of and it helped the nurse that checked me in saw me out. ORs are way better lit than the medial dramas would have you believe, at least mine was. I didn’t break down in tears, but when I came too I was in tears. That was some kind of pain, but that was taken care of. The last thing I remember was the anesthesiologist telling me “this might burn a bit” I was about to say “that’s not something you should tell someone.”, but I didn’t get a chance to because I was out and felt nothing, until came to that is. I just remember the pain and the nurse trying to calm me down and get me to breathe deeply. It took a while because of the pain, but I eventually I did and then my bed turned into a chair and then things started happened and I was home before noon. My Super Awesome friend watched me for a bit and I dozed in and out of sleep for a few more hours and some family and friends stopped by with soup and these.




And I got this from my co-workers

Let's catch up

Seems like I just blinked and the week is almost over. I’m starting to get to the “no one’s going to die” stage of being off for a week and also the “Shit, what if I don’t wake up after surgery or they discover I have an undetected heart problem, is that a pain in my chest?” stage of surgery. One stage is clearly more awesome than the other.

Salsa dancing was fun; I forgot how much I enjoyed it and how much I need to learn to be better at it. It’s a bit different than dancing with your Tia in the kitchen I’ll tell you that much. I did however, not get winded or as tired as I use to and I felt more comfortable moving my body and having my dance partner touching me and my belly. I also got glimpse of myself in a mirror and I’m looking kinda hot, I’m starting to enjoy my body as it is now. I better because March will be a better month for me, I just know it. I’m excited to get healthier and to lose more weight and to wear smaller cuter clothes. I very much want the cuter clothes and no muffin top. Oh, I’m dreaming big now, to have no muffin top would be wonderful, I’d tuck in every shirt into my pants or skirt. LOL

My eating’s been good; today I kept it light because I went to dinner. I had a honey crisp apple for the first time and it was wonderfully sweet and crisp, it’s not a misnomer. I also had a Korean pear, 2 bananas and I finally branched out with the fage Greek yogurt, I got the 2% cherry, this too is good, good to know. Dinner was an expensive buffet, a last supper of sorts. It was a Brazilian meat extravaganza. I say it was expensive because I got a little of everything, except the ribs, I had 2 ribs and white rice and beans. It was hard for me to ask for smaller servings and harder for the waiters to do so; I think they just didn’t understand why I wasn’t trying to get them to leave the whole stick of meat. Oh there were a lot of dirty jokes told. But it was tasty and that’s all I really needed, my tummy is satisfied, not stuffed or full.

So last night was bad, after class I had an emotion eating binge. Here’s what my trigger was. As I was driving home, I started thinking about going to the hospital and I started crying. Well not at first, I fought those tears hard until there was a ringing in my ears and tears were standing in my eyes. When I blinked they just flowed. I’m really not looking forward to being in there; I don’t have fond memories of going to the hospital. But then I started thinking that I’m probably going to be scared and cry, but my friend would be there and I don’t want to cry in front of her and make her sad and cry. I would hate to do that to her, but there’s not much I can do about that. I cry at the dentist. But I just don’t understand why I’m so against crying in front of people. Anyone else have this issue? Is it from talking the “don’t cry, stop crying” when I was a child too seriously? Who knows? So I get home and have a little spaghetti and then it hits. I grab the Doritos and just go for it. At first they were good and then they were crunchy and I wanted to crunch them and then I just stopped tasting them, but I still ate more. I hate ending the night with an eating binge, especially when it’s been a good day.

But it’s another day and I acknowledge my fault and issue and I just hope to not do it again. So I’m back to work I just wanted to share a bit.

Last Post’s Comments:
Sarah, I would have gone ape shit on Valentines if I could. When I went to the Salsa class there were like 15 girls and 3 guys and it didn’t get better. I laughed and thought, “Wow, this is just like my life, shortage of guys and the ones that are here are talking to some other girls”. And while I was bitter I will openly admit in this semi anonymous blog, that there was a part of me that would have died for some rom-com romantic gesturer from my crush, something sweet and slightly bitter. But atlas life is not a movie.

Doc, yes that is cheesy, but I’m sure it’s true, I must not be ready and while I’m awfully fond of myself I wouldn’t say it’s an out and out love. As for pies, I rebut fruit pies, cooked fruit is an abomination and I just can’t stomach the weird texture taste of it. And I’ve been staying away from the candy. I’ve been telling people that it’s back in my area and they have to try it out because it’s an automatic feeder, it’s almost gone.





VickyFF, LOL I’m glad you are entertained, nice scarves, I dabble in knitting and I only know how to knit scarves, but thanks.

What's Bah Humbug for Valentine's Day?

I am single yet again for another Valentine’s Day and this year I’m going with the openly bitter approach. I’ve always tried to be cheerful at my inability to a.) keep a boyfriend through the Winter or b.) get a boyfriend at all. I feel inept when it comes to this whole boy girl thing. I can’t even tell when someone likes me because I still think, why would that person like me? Even though I know, regardless of what I look like I’m a pretty awesome person and I deserve love and all that, but for so long that’s been my mindset, the friend, the little sister because the object of my affection or desire went for someone else. Some thinner, prettier, taller, just er of everything I was and am. I swear one day I’m going to look back and think of all the time I’m wasting measuring myself up to someone else and kick myself.

So it Valentine’s Day and I’m going to turn on my Etta James' Love Song album and sink into a bit of a funk and give the rose bouquets the evil eye and mentally spit on all pink red and white candy and let Miss James lull me into the seductiveness of self pity/hate that I know so well…until 6pm. At 6 I’m getting dolled up and going to get my free salsa lesson and drink downtown. Gotcha! I bet you thought I was going to go all crazy and cry and wear old sweatpants and wait outside CVS until the Valentine’s candy went to half off and eat them all, except the coconut ones.




My eating has been good, since I’m still with the coffee I got some fat free creamer and I had half a lemon poppy seed muffin at my niece’s school for a “VIP Breakfast” Luckily all the bagels and donuts were gone, I think I was the only one happy about that. Since then, coffee with a quarter cup of fat free sweet Italian crème and 3 splenda, an apple, a banana, an orange, Lean Cuisine BBQ Chicken Quesadilla, 8 pumpernickel pretzel sticks and a bag of skittles. Yes skittles, it kept me off the chocolate M&Ms. The quesadilla was fine, I would recommend a salad with it because it’s tasty, but not a lot of food, but I feel for 7 grams of fat there should just be more.

The gym is still a no go with work, but hopefully I will dance some calories away, but I’ve kind of resigned myself to no gym for a while and got a lot of fruits and veggies to fill me without it begging too much. But I did buy a jump rope and I have a groupon for running shoes. I will be back out there and you will find me running outside this spring. The thought of that just makes me smile.

Last Post’s Comments:
Doc, it’s been hard finding the elusive Honey Crisp, but my office manager gave me one for Valentine’s Day, she said she found them at Shoppers so I have that to look forward to for a snack. I had a braeburn this afternoon and it was sweet, juicy and crispy, I feel like a whole new world has been opened up to me with these apples (I’m still not down with them being cooked). If you haven’t, you should try a Korean pear. It is like an apple made a baby with a pear, a big baby. I use to only be able to find them at my Asian/international markets, but I think some chains carry them on occasion.