As I stand here, between heaves I wonder, how have I gotten to this place. A bajillion pounds heavier, over worked, stressed and while I was closer to finishing up my Associates degree I could only focus on the fact that I felt closer to my starting weight. I was also wondering what I had that was red, I’m sure I unsuccessfully stayed calm until I remembered the strawberries. They were good, I should have stopped there, I should have stopped before there. I know this and I knew it then, but something been broken in my head about food for a while now. After the strawberries I had some water, but I just knew I was still hungry. And my brilliant, “somehow in a binge spiral at work” self decided I needed an English muffin with peanut butter, but it’s okay, it’s triple earth healthy and I weighed it and the spoon with peanut butter. I would say here’s the slippery slope, but thanks to my applied calculus class I know that there was no slope it was undefined because I feel like I fell right through to the bottom and devoured/annihilated/ravaged/obliterated some, a few, countless 90 calorie Quaker Oat bars. I remember reaching for number “greater than or equal to three” that 1. I liked the oatmeal raisin ones the best and 2. This one will make me feel better. I think it’s funny I like the one with the fruit in it and boy was I wrong about that one and the ones after that one making me feel better.
I feel just awful, so awful I barely want to think about the possibility of what’s happening I just want to get that junk out of me and my body whole heartily agreed. I shall Google search eating disorders from the comfort of my home now that there is a shaky truce with Verizon.
Now I’m the first to acknowledge that I am overly sensitive about bulimia, I don’t know if its because I think I’m susceptible to it or all of the after school special and exposes I watch on the subject, but I am. I’m also weird about being friends with my friend’s significant other, that’s something unrelated, but I’m weird about that. (I’ll be his friend, but we don’t need to hang out) Did I just eat too much junk and made myself sick? Or did I intentionally binge and purge? I’m fairly certain it’s the first option because I do not want to do anymore damage to my teeth (I had a root canal this year), my heart (I’m already at a high risk for heart disease) and this is just a lot of ewwwwwww!!!! But who knows how my mind is working these days.
I had since had some tea and calmed down, then I went to the gym because I tried to wear pants today (it’s been hot in the DC metro area for the past few weeks so I’ve been in dresses) and there was no amount of laying down to be done to get those things on me. I think that was wakeup call #74 and this gym trip may have been another false start, but at least it’s a start.
First let me say I know I spased out a little bit back there, but I’m fine. I recognize that I’ve been poorly handling my diet and exercise and I’m not surprised at the weight gain, just the reaction my body had to a lot of Quaker oat bars. I can’t believe I ate myself sick and then told.