Should I break this entry up or just post all of it?

I’ve been contemplating my return to my blog for weeks now. At first I was anxious about losing readers. Not wholly because it gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling when I saw that it wasn’t just me and my cousin looking at this page (although she has admitted that she hasn’t read it with any kind of regularity), but because I knew it was a tool that helped me stay on track. When I don’t blog I deny myself reading the blogs I love and follow, so I fell out of step and touch with everyone and my goal. To lose all this extra weight and be healthy (to be hot, I really just want to be that hot girl who’s guy can’t believe she’s letting him be with her – cutting through the bullshit, that’s what I want…and to not ALMOST not believe he’s letting me be with him).
Now I shall regale you with some excuses as to why I’ve not blogged, worked out, eaten right, read a blog and binged eat like they were going to stop frying food, using sugar, making chocolate and being available to me.

The first excuse I’m offering is I was taking a full course load, a full 12 credits while working full time and the classes were Applied Calculus, Statistics I , Statistics 2 and Excel (which I saved for the last three weeks because it was an online course and I am clearly not the disciplined sort). That’s a lot of hard math! My grades respectively B, C, B and B, not bad, not A’s; And yes I see that I’m not acknowledging the good of not failing and getting 3 above average grades in difficult courses. I can walk away with the ability to reject or not reject all types of data tests, Z, T and F tests and find their intervals at a given significance level (using my TI-83 of course, long ways is for when you’re trapped on a deserted island) and I can do the Power Rule forwards and backwards (backwards it’s called the integral…don’t forget to add “+ C” to the end) and the Chain, Product and Quotient rules. But during the learning of all this I stopped going to the gym, to study? Sometimes and study food is not grown, not if you really want that knowledge to sink in.

Another one I’m offering up has some merit. I’m not 100% sure about my knees. I’ve run a few times and they’ve “felt” a way. The clicking is almost completely gone – I think I have a life time of glucosamine ahead of me (awesome), but it’s doing the job. Since the semester ended (it ended Saturday, May 7, 2011 at 1:53pm – the time at which I emailed my Applied Calculus take home test) I’ve been to the gym about 3 times and ran a straight mile each time and I can still walk. I think it may be time to stop babying myself on this one. Yeah. It’s time.

My least favorite and probably core reason, I was just flat out eating my emotions. I ate stress and sadness. Sorry, but that’s really I want to say about that.

Okay, my binge eating. Let’s see, what were my “reasons” for allowing that bullshit to happen. The first one was “I have the house to myself; I can eat whatever I want”. I used that one as recently as Sunday, when I had the house to myself and had tres leche cake. That wasn’t even that good, but I ate it. My sister has taken to spend the weekend at her boyfriend’s house with her daughter leaving me alone and left to my own devices. Which is buy something I shouldn’t eat and then something else, get home, take off pants and bra at front door, leaving them there to symbolize freedom and then watch Tivo and stuff my face a little past when I can still taste what I’m eating. I’ve noticed this and spoke about it with a co-worker who despite the way she looks has problems with food. It helps when someone knows what you’ve been doing because you can’t deny it if more than just you know. I’m trying to reign in the eating and not buying junk food which is what I binge on, not that anyone would think I meant carrot sticks and low fat yogurt. But what would it be like?

“You know what I could go for right now? Some carrot sticks, man that would hit the spot! “ or “Would you judge me if I got a huge bowl of carrot sticks and celery?” “Tonight, all I want to do is read this book on how to be fiscally responsible and just eat whole bag of baby carrots by myself…I’m satisfied”

Then there was the time I had a quarter of a Philly Cheese steak from Philly. Reason: It’s from Philly, when will I get a chance to have this again. Reality: Probably always, of all the states, Pennsylvania (almost put Philly) ain’t succeeding nothing and that city is too proud of their cheese steak to stop making them, seeing how the whole “they’re not healthy” aspect hasn’t slowed down production I doubt they’re going anywhere anytime soon. I call serious bullshit on that excuse/reason.

I’m sure there were other gems that couldn’t hold that liquid I should be drinking more of. And all of this has gotten me here. Mad at myself with my pants unbuttoned and at 236. I’m also disappointed. Here I am in my last semester at community college about to complete the longest 2 year degree ever and all I feel is disappointment in myself, fear that this slippery slope (also called a derivative) is not close to ending and anger. I’m angry because this is not where I want to be and because I know it’s going to be harder to get back on track. I’ve had a couple of what I call false starts, but what other choice do I have? Have they seriously not come up with that magic pill yet? What was the down side to Phen Phen again, my college roommate swore by it…but also said it made her a raging bitch, or assertive?

So what do I do now?

Well I’m not going to make any promises, but I am going to set goals. My goals will include working out, tracking my food and blogging (reading and writing).
For the remainder of May, I will work out 3-5 times a week, each workout should include a 1 mile run and should burn at least 500 calories. I will track all the food I put in my body, blog each weekday, once a weekend. Read the blogs I follow for inspiration (I’d love to do this at home, but I’m in a fight with Verizon, again)