I haven't left again

It’s been pretty busy and I haven’t done much or eaten poorly. I shall do a proper entry later, I have to get some rest for the 5K Chocolate run tomorrow.

I left a word doc open to catch my thoughts

9:17
Decided against the creamer in the coffee, but wished I had peppermint schnapps. ‘Tis the season.

10:12
Last blog I read then I really need to focus harder

10:58am
Just made plans to meet up with Céline at 5:30 to go get our packets and run. No part of me is looking forward to this, but she seems so happy about it. Oh how the tables have turned

12:06

Made absent mind lunch decision, egg salad, really now?

12:30
Going away cake, what!?!

1:19
Feeling the effects of lunch, I have to start planning and bring my lunch into work. Chicken and vegetables is a quick easy fix.

3:03
Drinking some sparkling water, I really do need to drink more water. Was that a back spasm? Note to self. Add back exercises to pending workouts.

4:25
While changing into workout clothes realized I was wearing the black pants that made me feel like a “Biscuit in a can”, but I didn’t feel like a “biscuit in a can”.

4:26
Realized blogging was magic

4:30
Realized I have no running shoes, GRRRR!

5:25
Decided to leave work and go put some order in my home and prepare for tomorrow. Clear the floor and do some floor work.

You comment, I comment:

Thanks Ms H! I’m excited about it, despite the big ass hill. You’re looking lovely as ever, I like the hair! I BC’d in July and haven’t looked back.

Whoops! (Also a very good song by Blues Traveler)

I did not post yesterday, not because I’m hiding, but I have not been able to find a good balance of my work life yet. It’s a mix of too much to do, not wanting to do it and not really wanting to go home. So I work late while watching some work inappropriate thing on my laptop during my busy week and rack up the overtime. But I did think of you, while trying to figure out why our AZ office was coding things to our MD office.

Food wise yesterday wasn’t too bad. I had coffee with too much creamer (peppermint mocha) and a high fiber honey wheat English muffin with peanut butter. Since I’m under the weather I had Pho for lunch, it fixed me for an hour, but when we got back to the office I was coughing up a stubborn lung. It’s still in there. Then plowed through a mountain of paperwork while listening to a book on tape (I use to mock this, but lordy be it’s nice to be read to). Then all of a sudden I was hungry again and it was 8. I went to Longhorn by my job because I know there is a container of peeled garlic, condiments galore and crystal light in my fridge; one of the pit falls of not hosting Thanksgiving is that you do not get leftovers. And I had what I call an Old Man meal, meat and brown liquor, 6oz medium rare sirloin and a Manhattan, with steamed veggies. I was so very tempted to get something so chocolate that would coat my mouth in love, but thought it best to head home.

Nothing too exciting happened, but tonight we are picking up our race packets and taking a look at the track for Saturday’s race. I’m getting excited and nervous, still coughing.



You Comment, I comment:

Thanks Doc and E Jane for the warm welcome back! I’m slowly getting my excitement back for being a better me. I think I’m going to put up little notes around my bathroom and room and desk at work so I have visual arguments against derailing. Any suggestions?

I got nothing

I got nothing to say for myself or my absence. I’m sure as no surprise to anyone that I have gain most of my weight loss weight back. I stopped doing the things that helped me reach my goals. I stopped blogging; I was hiding from the gain and the embarrassment of it. And what a shame, I was starting to feel like I had a little family here. But when I checked back in I saw my peers on a steady path to their goals and it made me feel like shit that I wasn't progressing with them. So I did what any sane person would do, I beat myself up about it and ate my feelings. How does one not lose weight this way?!?

My birthday is a week away (turning 30 for the third time) and the dress I had last year that I was almost in is back to its purchase fit. Sausage in casing doesn’t quite describe the look I have going in that dress and biscuit in a can (the kind that pop out of the roll-got the visual?) is a bit more accurate. So that goal will not be met this birthday. Heavy sigh. Anyway, a New Year is upon and I loathe making New Year’s resolutions, so I need to get on it now. A December Resolution! December’s a good month, it has my birthday, baby Jesus’ birthday and my name day oh and New Year’s Eve!

I don’t want you to think I’ve done nothing. I finished my last semester a community college and got accepted to George Mason University. And my friend, Céline and I have been working the C25K, but outside this time. It has been hard and the number of times I’m jazzed and excited to tackle each session has been outnumbered by the times I’ve dreaded them and cursed the run between breathes, but it feels good to complete a run. We’re running the Chocolate 5/15K in the National Harbor this Saturday. I look forward to running it with her. It’s one of the things we’re doing for my birthday.

I should have a December Resolution or two by the first, which means I have some things to do, like weigh myself, stop crying, resist the urge to medicate the knowledge of said number and the balls to accept that number and share it. I’m also taking recommendations for calorie counting/food journal sites. I’d like one with an app and with the capability to post daily journals here and hopefully I will soon be able to go back to LA Boxing. I miss feeling like a bad ass.

Hello Again (my favorite Shelly Long movie)

As I stand here, between heaves I wonder, how have I gotten to this place. A bajillion pounds heavier, over worked, stressed and while I was closer to finishing up my Associates degree I could only focus on the fact that I felt closer to my starting weight. I was also wondering what I had that was red, I’m sure I unsuccessfully stayed calm until I remembered the strawberries. They were good, I should have stopped there, I should have stopped before there. I know this and I knew it then, but something been broken in my head about food for a while now. After the strawberries I had some water, but I just knew I was still hungry. And my brilliant, “somehow in a binge spiral at work” self decided I needed an English muffin with peanut butter, but it’s okay, it’s triple earth healthy and I weighed it and the spoon with peanut butter. I would say here’s the slippery slope, but thanks to my applied calculus class I know that there was no slope it was undefined because I feel like I fell right through to the bottom and devoured/annihilated/ravaged/obliterated some, a few, countless 90 calorie Quaker Oat bars. I remember reaching for number “greater than or equal to three” that 1. I liked the oatmeal raisin ones the best and 2. This one will make me feel better. I think it’s funny I like the one with the fruit in it and boy was I wrong about that one and the ones after that one making me feel better.

I feel just awful, so awful I barely want to think about the possibility of what’s happening I just want to get that junk out of me and my body whole heartily agreed. I shall Google search eating disorders from the comfort of my home now that there is a shaky truce with Verizon.

Now I’m the first to acknowledge that I am overly sensitive about bulimia, I don’t know if its because I think I’m susceptible to it or all of the after school special and exposes I watch on the subject, but I am. I’m also weird about being friends with my friend’s significant other, that’s something unrelated, but I’m weird about that. (I’ll be his friend, but we don’t need to hang out) Did I just eat too much junk and made myself sick? Or did I intentionally binge and purge? I’m fairly certain it’s the first option because I do not want to do anymore damage to my teeth (I had a root canal this year), my heart (I’m already at a high risk for heart disease) and this is just a lot of ewwwwwww!!!! But who knows how my mind is working these days.

UPDATE:

I had since had some tea and calmed down, then I went to the gym because I tried to wear pants today (it’s been hot in the DC metro area for the past few weeks so I’ve been in dresses) and there was no amount of laying down to be done to get those things on me. I think that was wakeup call #74 and this gym trip may have been another false start, but at least it’s a start.

First let me say I know I spased out a little bit back there, but I’m fine. I recognize that I’ve been poorly handling my diet and exercise and I’m not surprised at the weight gain, just the reaction my body had to a lot of Quaker oat bars. I can’t believe I ate myself sick and then told.

Cranky

I'm so cranky I don't even want a cookie! More to come tomorrow about my trip.

Cocktails or Cardio?

I’d rather have both, but I had cardio. The place I go to that separates my eyebrow into two separate entities s right next door to my gym (which is right next door to a Dairy Queen) and of course I was there the day before my trip so I could have 2 distinct eyebrows. Luckily my car contained at the very least one and a half workout outfits I dragged myself in.

I’m not at the same level I was at when I was going regularly, but wanted to push myself and I wanted to quit after minute 3. But I didn’t, those numbers are helpful, but boy was I feeling it. I got to 432 calories burned in a very long 35 minutes session. Next time I will do a less intense program.




So that number is super close to 500 calories, the number I like to see at the end of my cardio time, it’s a nice round number that can cancel out a bad choice. So I got on the treadmill to finish up my 500.






I went because I was right there and it feels wrong to not go if I’m that close to it and I was a little stressed about my upcoming trip and having to get ready for it. I know it seems counterproductive to use that getting ready time for some gym time, but it felt right.


Oh! Finnaly some healthy snacks on the ledge! They don't look or taste great but it's a step in the right direction.




Last Post’s Comments Responses:


Definingmore, I think you’re talking about this section. I thought of it because there are so many blogs I follow and comment on, but don’t get to see the writers response. Plus I enjoy the comments and don’t want someone you cared enough to comment to feel like I didn’t read or appreciate their comment.

Doc, I will put the bay tour on the list of things to do. I’m hoping t do some shopping and sightseeing, I know that I am going to Little Havana. For dinner we went to Bongo’s, Gloria Estafan’s restaurant and all I know, besides that food was amazingly good is that I will pay the 8 dollars to use the hotel gym.

hmmmm.....

Today was an okay day. I’m trying to get ready for my trip so that always means a ton of work to do. I had coffee for breakfast and thin crust pizza for lunch. So not so great with the food, but that’s all I had and whatever I eat next will be fruit/vegetable and water. The beauty of having a cube tucked away is that I still believe the sun is out and while it is almost 8:30 and I have a few more errands to run I can possibly squeeze in a workout. But let’s be honest, I’ll be lucky if I get my errands ran before I’m ready to go look at my laundry and will it to be done. Oh, if only…

Now for some pictures of how I’m trying to help myself around the office:



Not reads: “Stephanie, these are not for you. You know why” and I do, I do know why. I don't know why these even need to exist. Thank are all gone and I will never know how terrible they tasted.




Note on chocolates read: “The hell you are”
Same lady with the donuts bought in the Dove chocolates. And these peanuts eat up my daily fat allowance. Off to the side is my scale, but still.


Last Post’s Comments Responses:

Doc, I plan to eat them out of fresh fruit and rice and beans, brown rice and beans. Any suggestions? I’m going to left on my own during the day, so I’d like something fun to do. I’m going to little Havana and was wondering if there’s anything else I should put on my list. I look forward to the hotel’s gym. It’s a fancy hotel and that means fancy gym equipment that I can plug my iPhone into!

Treading Lightly, thanks, I will try to take pictures to post!

Doc, What's this salty wet stuff on my face?

I’m not going to lie, I’m fighting back tears. Oh that Doc! It meas a lot that she took time to notice lil ole me. But seriously, thanks. That was very sweet of you to mention me in your blog, as always, you rick and not just because you are a green belt and can kick my ass, but because you are awesome.

I saw the number of comments and thought “oh, there must be a bunch of that double entry thing going on” But no, people care and showed their support. Thank you all. It makes it easier to not feel alone, I know I’m not the first to kind of come to in a slightly tight shirt and say “WTF!” But it makes it less scary and more possible. This is one of the reasons I came back to the blog world. Here we read and we relate to one another and we support in a way that’s missing in our “real” lives. We celebrate each pound loss for our friends and sympathize over every ounce gained.

On to some good news, I decided to bite the bullet (fat free and calorie free, just low carbs) and buy a plane ticket to accompany my cousin on her business trip to…Miami! Yes! I will be in Miami Saturday afternoon. I will also be in Miami in dresses and bathing suits. I will be hoping that the pictures of Miami are not accurate and the people with a MBI of more than 15 are in Miami, in dresses and bathing suits because I will be and I don’t want to e alone. I’m already going to have to convince my cousin on this, but if they aren’t all bathing suit models I’ll only be talking one person into this.

I have tracked my food and I wish I updated it earlier. After this yogurt I have 339 calories and a 3 hour Spanish class to sit through. Aha! Air popped popcorn, YES!

I have to keep it short because I have to get on the road to said 3 hour Spanish class. I would update later but from my facebook update “Verizon sucks donkey balls, massive “dude you should get that looked at” older than dirt donkey, from the second rate donkey show balls” you will know that I still have no internet access at my house.

Last Post’s Comments replies:


You know Doc, it feels good to be back. You are too sweet, your blog mad me cry, for good reason. And you’re right, I know those things and every once in a while we need to hear them again. Shaking it off, thanks.

Deiningmore, I barely survived, 2 weeks before the end I was ready to just say fuck it and them I got my test and projects back and they were good grades so I kept going. It was like seeing you lost a pound after a hellish week.

Treading Lightly, I like that, just being accountable for the actions not the results, I’m going to put that on a post it by my bathroom mirror. I think that even if I don’t eat well or excerise I will always make time to read blogs, it was a silly way to punish myself.

E Jane, boy did those pounds pile up. It hought I would try to lose the gained weight then come back like nothing happened. Silly I know, but that was my plan. And perfect and weight loss just shouldn’t be uttered together, ever.

Karla, it’s good to be back!

Wasiting Time, I wonder if we could market a “diet” of blogging.

Michele, I can do this, I am doing this! And by golly people like me! (that last part was from an old SNL skit, but it fits)

Should I break this entry up or just post all of it?

I’ve been contemplating my return to my blog for weeks now. At first I was anxious about losing readers. Not wholly because it gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling when I saw that it wasn’t just me and my cousin looking at this page (although she has admitted that she hasn’t read it with any kind of regularity), but because I knew it was a tool that helped me stay on track. When I don’t blog I deny myself reading the blogs I love and follow, so I fell out of step and touch with everyone and my goal. To lose all this extra weight and be healthy (to be hot, I really just want to be that hot girl who’s guy can’t believe she’s letting him be with her – cutting through the bullshit, that’s what I want…and to not ALMOST not believe he’s letting me be with him).
Now I shall regale you with some excuses as to why I’ve not blogged, worked out, eaten right, read a blog and binged eat like they were going to stop frying food, using sugar, making chocolate and being available to me.

The first excuse I’m offering is I was taking a full course load, a full 12 credits while working full time and the classes were Applied Calculus, Statistics I , Statistics 2 and Excel (which I saved for the last three weeks because it was an online course and I am clearly not the disciplined sort). That’s a lot of hard math! My grades respectively B, C, B and B, not bad, not A’s; And yes I see that I’m not acknowledging the good of not failing and getting 3 above average grades in difficult courses. I can walk away with the ability to reject or not reject all types of data tests, Z, T and F tests and find their intervals at a given significance level (using my TI-83 of course, long ways is for when you’re trapped on a deserted island) and I can do the Power Rule forwards and backwards (backwards it’s called the integral…don’t forget to add “+ C” to the end) and the Chain, Product and Quotient rules. But during the learning of all this I stopped going to the gym, to study? Sometimes and study food is not grown, not if you really want that knowledge to sink in.

Another one I’m offering up has some merit. I’m not 100% sure about my knees. I’ve run a few times and they’ve “felt” a way. The clicking is almost completely gone – I think I have a life time of glucosamine ahead of me (awesome), but it’s doing the job. Since the semester ended (it ended Saturday, May 7, 2011 at 1:53pm – the time at which I emailed my Applied Calculus take home test) I’ve been to the gym about 3 times and ran a straight mile each time and I can still walk. I think it may be time to stop babying myself on this one. Yeah. It’s time.

My least favorite and probably core reason, I was just flat out eating my emotions. I ate stress and sadness. Sorry, but that’s really I want to say about that.

Okay, my binge eating. Let’s see, what were my “reasons” for allowing that bullshit to happen. The first one was “I have the house to myself; I can eat whatever I want”. I used that one as recently as Sunday, when I had the house to myself and had tres leche cake. That wasn’t even that good, but I ate it. My sister has taken to spend the weekend at her boyfriend’s house with her daughter leaving me alone and left to my own devices. Which is buy something I shouldn’t eat and then something else, get home, take off pants and bra at front door, leaving them there to symbolize freedom and then watch Tivo and stuff my face a little past when I can still taste what I’m eating. I’ve noticed this and spoke about it with a co-worker who despite the way she looks has problems with food. It helps when someone knows what you’ve been doing because you can’t deny it if more than just you know. I’m trying to reign in the eating and not buying junk food which is what I binge on, not that anyone would think I meant carrot sticks and low fat yogurt. But what would it be like?

“You know what I could go for right now? Some carrot sticks, man that would hit the spot! “ or “Would you judge me if I got a huge bowl of carrot sticks and celery?” “Tonight, all I want to do is read this book on how to be fiscally responsible and just eat whole bag of baby carrots by myself…I’m satisfied”

Then there was the time I had a quarter of a Philly Cheese steak from Philly. Reason: It’s from Philly, when will I get a chance to have this again. Reality: Probably always, of all the states, Pennsylvania (almost put Philly) ain’t succeeding nothing and that city is too proud of their cheese steak to stop making them, seeing how the whole “they’re not healthy” aspect hasn’t slowed down production I doubt they’re going anywhere anytime soon. I call serious bullshit on that excuse/reason.

I’m sure there were other gems that couldn’t hold that liquid I should be drinking more of. And all of this has gotten me here. Mad at myself with my pants unbuttoned and at 236. I’m also disappointed. Here I am in my last semester at community college about to complete the longest 2 year degree ever and all I feel is disappointment in myself, fear that this slippery slope (also called a derivative) is not close to ending and anger. I’m angry because this is not where I want to be and because I know it’s going to be harder to get back on track. I’ve had a couple of what I call false starts, but what other choice do I have? Have they seriously not come up with that magic pill yet? What was the down side to Phen Phen again, my college roommate swore by it…but also said it made her a raging bitch, or assertive?

So what do I do now?

Well I’m not going to make any promises, but I am going to set goals. My goals will include working out, tracking my food and blogging (reading and writing).
For the remainder of May, I will work out 3-5 times a week, each workout should include a 1 mile run and should burn at least 500 calories. I will track all the food I put in my body, blog each weekday, once a weekend. Read the blogs I follow for inspiration (I’d love to do this at home, but I’m in a fight with Verizon, again)

I found this draft just hanging out

I’m still in my funk and I’m trying to shake it and get back to who I was a year ago. A year ago I felt stronger and did more. Maybe it is being in school and it has gotten more involved, Statistics and Applied calculus aren’t classes that just come naturally to me or are very easy, but I have to get them done. I have to stop seeing them as excuses but things that take up time and energy. I have 2 more weeks which means I have finals and projects to contend with and then a summer break. Or I can take my three remaining classes and I can graduate FINALLY with the world’s longest 2 year degree.

Now for the exercising, I no longer live in the gym, I miss it. I don’t know the staff there are a bunch of new faces. That use to be my home, but not anymore. I don’t know what my body can do anymore. I can’t remember the last time I pushed myself or screamed out in pain from sweat dripping in my eyes. I’m currently commiserating with my good friend Lila over email. She can’t fit her pants and I’m eating something I shouldn’t while wanting something else just as bad.

Time to take off this dress and end this pity party

This has been a rough week. I thought I would be too busy with school and work and I could just make it through. I think I made it through the first part of my “down period”; I just have mother’s day and her birthday ahead of me. I get real cranky on Mother’s Day.

Wow, I can’t even get through this post without crying, at least there’s no one around to explain my tears to. That always seems to make me cry harder.

But tears dry up and we have to keep moving on. I’m going to go a little easy on myself until the semester is over. I can’t do it all and as much as I want to go to the gym and don’t want to go, I have to use that time studying. I have an Applied Calculus midterm this Saturday and a Stat project to start (anyone care to help in either subject?

I’ve been trying to eat right, but I just don’t want to put it in my mouth. I want good quick comfort food…with cheese on it. I am going to try my hand at some smoothies since it’s been warm out (it’s suppose to drop to the 50’s on Friday).

One thing did happen that made me squeal, I got my race for the cure t-shirt (and it’s too big) and number, I will be #10212 on June 4th. I actually squealed and started daydreaming about training for it and then about running it. It’s something to look forward to.

Previous Posts’ Comments:

Sarah, school is kicking my butt and I’ve had to concentrate on studying and less on going to the gym. I wish I was compensating with eating right, but nope. I’ll get to the 21x one day LOL

Cori, Did the book come? I hope you enjoy it. I haven’t been keeping up on non school related (fun) reading, but I hope you’re getting the most out of it. I’m glad you like the NSV; I need to get some more on there, hopefully, soon.

Pretty Pauline, thanks for the hug, I can never have too many of those 

E Jane, thanks for the condolences, I’m usually a bit more upbeat and sometimes witty. I’m just not all in it these days, but I’m coming around.

RIP Mommie

It's been 5 years ago today.

Day 5, oh boy, I’m slipping

So here we are, it’s Friday! Yay! There’s been no morning workout although I woke up early to spend some time with my niece. I was able to get to Trader Joe’s last night for their brown rice and picked up some edamame because I was hungry and they were an impulse buy. At least it was a healthy impulse buy, yay!

Today has just been work, not as easy as I thought it would be and some slip ups, for the detox. I had a 90 calorie granola bar, more peanuts and the badest of the bad, half (the good half, the top half) of an everything bagel…WITH jalapenos cream cheese. The sad part is I was already eating my salad. A salad that was larger than ever because while I opened the bag on Tuesday, the rate of browning decided to act like I opened it last Tuesday and it said good until the 11th, it wasn’t gonna make it past tonight, so it was a use it or lose in situation. I had that bagel and it was good and that’s all I needed, I was full, but if I have a snack it will be the edamame.

I still have my dinner tonight and I know what I’m getting, the braised lamb pappardelle. Did I tell you already? I’m very excited about this meal. And due to the bagel and my exam schedule I have cancelled taco night tomorrow. (That is by far the saddest sentence ever) But I need to study for my test on Tuesday and I want to spend all Saturday on it. But our study group is at a café, I plan to bring the brown rice and bean corn mix, it’s very filling, I’ll have tea and pray for the strength to resist the baked goods.

Today was also a day for celebration (and a bit of jealousy, but more happy for her feelings). Sarah (we are forever bonded in pink) has gotten out of the 220s. I am so happy and proud of her. She was struggling for a bit there, but she did it. And I can only imagine how she feels because that has been my goal since forever. So I’d like to take a moment (and a paragraph) to say “Fuck yeah Sarah! Whoooo!!!! Size 14 look out because here comes Sarah!”


Last Post's Comments:

Yes Cori that's what my salads look like. The shredded purple cabbage sets off all of the colors and is tasty. I'm so excited for the warm weather, not just because I will be warm, but because of all the veggies and fruit that some into season. I will gladly wake up early for a farmer's market.

Day 4, An unexpected early start

I woke up a little early and my house felt different, I checked my phone and I had a message from my sister. She was at a friend’s house and would be taking my niece, her daughter to school. At first I thought, that’s too disruptive for a child to “sleepover” during the school week and I hoped she had all her homework because she loves Friday fun day (she did not and she is not having Friday Fun Day, but she was okay because her mom knew and wasn’t mad) and then I thought, it’s early, if I put on my gym clothes and take my work clothes I can go to the gym and I won’t have to worry about it after class. And that’s what I did! I through on some gym clothes, threw my work clothes in a bag and was happily on my way to the gym. I got to stretch, I did 20 pushups and 100 crunches (25 reps of different kinds – I coughed and boy did I work my abs). It felt good and I got on that scale again and I did not hate it, but I will keep my weigh in to Monday.






Lunch was the same colorfulness it has been and I’m still enjoying it.





Then I faltered with a handful of peanuts and at least 7 chocolates. *sigh* I was doing so well, but I picked it back up with dinner and it was the bean/corn mix (I added peas, not bad, but I’ll leave it out next time) and brown rice. Sorry no picture as I was too hungry to wait.


Last Posts’ Comments

Cori, I’m doing the detox in the Fat Smash Diet by Dr Ian K Smith. Feel free to email me if you want more info, I’d post more, but I don’t want to break any copyright laws.

Dr, I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve had a good salad and these are hitting the spot. I’m going to give up on the all or nothing thinking, it’s just an excuse to be bad. The detox is just how it’s referred to in the book I read. I fell it’s getting rid of all the processed stuff out of my system and replacing my cravings with good cravings like sautéed spinach instead of fries. I’m tempted to relate it to clean eating, but I haven’t read enough on that topic to really compare, but I sure there are similarities.
Did you experience any “excess hair shedding” after your surgery? I read a few things online and it seems like it’s possible side effect.

Day 3, I'm being the goodest I can

I’m still feeling good about not being in the 230s, but I’m pretty close to being back in there. My day’s been out of whack and I think that might be why I slipped up. Four words for you: Chocolate Angel Food Cake. Two more words: One Bite. That’s all I had, that’s all it took to know that it wasn’t worth it. Mainly because while it smelled like heaven the taste was off, the chocolate they used to flavor it didn’t quite work. Had I not cared that I was almost back in the 230s I might have had a full slice and eaten it, but I do care. There have also been more treats bought in to the office, but I had some grapes on my desk and it took me a while to get through those so they kept me in line until lunch, which was super colorful and crunchy. Another simple meal put together at work. I got the American salad mix and added more shredded carrots and shredded red cabbage. I halved a few grape tomatoes and added a few jalapeno slices sprinkled with chick peas for a bit of protein. Not picture is the light ranch dressing I added, it was about 1.5 tablespoons, just enough to lightly coat most of the salad.





I’m working late again because there’s so much to do and I want to get it done before it’s asked for, but after that I’m going to the gym. I will have to hodge podge my workout outfit because I’m didn’t realize I didn’t really have an outfit in my car. So wish my luck, coverage and support :)

I don’t know if I mentioned this and while I can look back over my entries, I like to keep this conversational, but I have some dinners planned that are coming up and with the detox you’re suppose to start over if you cheat (I’m not counting prunes and light dressing or a bite of angel food cake – last time I worked at a bar and did not cut out alcohol). I know I’m going to eat more than what’s on the detox plan, I’ve come to terms with it and plan to start over when that does happens. And looking at my calendar it looks like I’m not going to get a full 9 days of detoxing done this month, I will get 4 days, 6 days, and then 7 days. Now can I start detox 4 times staying in Phase I? Shit, I don’t know, but I’m sure the hell gonna try until I get my 9 days. *fingers crossed* My friend asked me why would I bother if I know I’m going to break it. Maybe my logic is flawed, but I feel some is better than none and its not like I’m eating deep friend bacon wrapped fettuccini Alfredo (please no one try to bring that to the next festival they go to, next to the deep fried Oreos/snickers/Twinkies, but if you do, I want royalties) during these meals. On Friday I’m going to probably have pork tenderloin with vegetables and wine. But why not cut calories before and after?




On the subject of going natural, I really wish I knew what kind of curl my hair will do. I saw a lady today and just said “I’m going natural for sure.” And of course women will talk hair at the drop of a hat. I’ve enjoyed these conversations with strangers about going natural. But I’m positive I’m going to get braids soon and after I take those out make the decision about cutting my hair. I am open to product suggestions. So far the commom thread has been olive oil, shea butter and cocunt oil. Check check and check.


UPDATE: Leaving work at 10pm, no gym for me, bed for me.

Last Post’s Comments:


Ms H, I am glad it’s not in the 230s, you don’t even know, well maybe you do because your out of nowhere 10 pounds had you close to the next decade. I also picked up the ingredient to make that bean and corn dish again. I’m going to make a burrito bowl type thing tonight, just to get more veggies in me and I only have a little brown rice left, I’m just going to make it as usual and put it on a bed of lettuce. Also, you run a lot.

Day 2 of the detox

In addition to the salad dressing, I also had a few sunflower seeds and 3 prunes. Not horrid choices, but not a part of the detoxing.

So from my last two posts you can see that I did in fact go to the gym and while there I weighed myself with some less than pleasing results, for which there were no words, just pictures, and this number 234. That's right, I'm back to fighting my way out of the 230s. Thank goodness I was at the gym and I got my reality check. I was ready for a fight out of the 220s, but this blew my mind and then I thought back to all the things I ate and all the things i didn't do. I can't blame the scale, I ate it, I didn't move. *sigh*

So I got a bag of lettuce, a bag of shredded carrots and a bag of shredded red cabbage, and a jalapeño. I meant to get chick peas but forgot. I also made this dish up. It was originally inspired by a summer salad a Starbucks that manage to cram a lot of fat into it.

I took 1 can of corn, 1 can of black beans, rinsed them and rinsed and drained them. Added 1 packet of sazon, the badia brand because it has no MSG, added some left over Pico de Gallo and a healthy dose of crushed red pepper flakes.




I was hungry so I mixed it with brown rice. But you can eat it hot or cold as it is.



I'm probably going to have the same thing for dinner. Thank goodness I don't get tired of the samething easily. I never understood the whole, I can't have blank because I had it for lunch.

I'm running a bit late for class, I want to get this entry in first. I have gym clothes for a workout after class, school has helped me be lax on the workouts, but I did it before, I can do it again. I'll just be tired.


UPDATE:

I did it again! Yay! Also, I got on the scale again, naked and I somehow lost 4 of the pounds I gained. The scale was nicer with 229, but now I'm confused. I'm going to stick with 234 and weigh in on Monday.




Last Posts' Comments:
Bluberri, the feeling does tend to pass about 5 to 10 minutes into it and even if I still feel blah, I can do at least 45 minutes of it with the right playlist. What are you listening to? I’ve lost my playlist when I got a new laptop. ITunes needs to be better about the transfer thing.

Ms. H, I want to go natural, but I’m scarred I’ll hate it, but all sings point to me loving it. I’ve stopped every natural woman I know to ask questions. But for real, what if my head looks funny? LOL Glad you liked the comments, I need a laugh, I guess this 10 pound thing is catching. Btw that race cruise looks freaking awesome!

I weighed myself last night...

Day 1 of Detox, So far so good

I’m so very ready for today to be over. On the food front I am proud that I only broke the detox when I put a bit of dressing on my salad. I had yogurt and tea for breakfast and for lunch I had a huge salad from a salad bar, so it was pricey. I use to get spinach, but I needed something with a higher crunch and water factor. Then I just started loading up on veggies, grape tomatoes, shredded carrots, shredded radish, peas (Peas? Surprisingly good) chickpeas and jalapenos. And a table spoon of dressing, it was creamy Caesar, I know that wasn’t the best choice, but it’s what I had. I got a lot of food so I thought I would be munching on it all day, not so much. About 20 minutes later it was gone and I was missing it. I followed up with a banana and had an afternoon snack of grapes. The convenient thing about this detox is that I don’t have to weigh the fruits or veggies, although I am tempted to. I’ve also had more water than I’ve had in a while

My hopeful self want to go to the gym after work and have brown rice with veggies, maybe beans for dinner. I feel like I’m making a wish and squeezing my eyes tight so that it comes true “Pretty please I wish I make it to the gym so I can get back on track so I can lose more weight and then fit into cuter flirtier dresses soon because it’s getting warm out and those cute dresses don’t come in plus size, even though they should…with no calorie sweetener on top”

I’m not going to lie that kind of worked. But I keep having moments of just wanting to go home and doing nothing, well, getting in my bed and veging out, turning off my brain because it was not ready for today and I overworked it somehow. Now I’m going to picture myself at the gym getting my cardio on and then going to yoga, but that would be me eating too late…maybe no yoga. I need to hold that in my head, me on the machine working it out feeling great, like the first time I ran after not being allowed to for months! When you don’t want to go to the gym is when you should go. Maybe I’ll look at some dresses to get my butt in gear.

That didn’t really work. I just saw dresses a bunch of “just because you’re skinny doesn’t make that right” dresses. Even the models’ waists didn’t start that high. And I’m still against horizontal stripes.

In other news I’m going natural. My hair has been relaxed since I was in grade school, but last year I noticed a bald spot (that still hasn’t fully grown back in) and decided that chemicals would not be the best idea. So I just never got a touch up. I think the last time was for my friend’s wedding in October. I have quite a bit of new growth and a new problem. Strands and strand are just coming out in my comb. I have no other bald spots and I remember a lot of “breakage” whenever I let a long time between touch ups pass. But I think I’m just not going to, at least not this year. I’m going to transition for a while (continue to let my hair grown out) before I do the big cut. I’ve been rocking an updo with a headband and I’ve gotten a lot of compliments, which puts me at ease. But spring is upon us and I think I’m going to get braids to let my hair grow and to have another hair style.

Last Post’s Comments:

Yeah Ms H, I’m glad to have a job and to like the people I work with, it just all became to be a little too much. Sometimes I forget what seems logical and rational are not always how things are done because it’s my logic, not theirs. And I will go running with her, the weather seems to be taking a spring like turn, finally!

An entry more on topic

As for weight loss part of this blog, I don’ think there’s been any this week and I’ve not been counting my calories, nor have I made it to the gym. I was going to write a post about how I think my knee is better because I don’t remember the last time it made a sound or felt funny walking up the stairs and then it did all of that and I decided that talking about it jinx me and I don’t want any more jinxes because it’s race season and I want to be in at least three of them. My friend Ellen has been on track with her running and I sort of want to join her, but I’m afraid I’ll slow her down, but I need to get out there. I’m signed up for the Race for the Cure in May, but my team will be just me. One friend will be out of the country and the other is flakey and I’m just not going to count her. I have some other friends doing it so I might join them or just go at it alone, which might not be a terrible thing. So Monday is around the corner and a great day to start my detox from the Fat Smash diet of VH1 Celerity Fit Club fame.

I use to crave the good stuff. I went home for lunch once because I wanted sautéed spinach. I use to count out my calories like Scrooge McDuck counted his money (yup, that’s a Ducktales reference). I would plan my life around the gym and I’ve declined many an invitations to hang out for some gym time. My laundry was also full of gym clothes; I knew the staff at the gym. I miss that me. That me was doing better and happier about life and on her way out of the plus size section and saying good bye to the tire hanging over her jeans. That me was on her way to being the me I want to be.

My next post will include my detox plan and food plan. I will also attempt a workout plan.