I found this draft just hanging out

I’m still in my funk and I’m trying to shake it and get back to who I was a year ago. A year ago I felt stronger and did more. Maybe it is being in school and it has gotten more involved, Statistics and Applied calculus aren’t classes that just come naturally to me or are very easy, but I have to get them done. I have to stop seeing them as excuses but things that take up time and energy. I have 2 more weeks which means I have finals and projects to contend with and then a summer break. Or I can take my three remaining classes and I can graduate FINALLY with the world’s longest 2 year degree.

Now for the exercising, I no longer live in the gym, I miss it. I don’t know the staff there are a bunch of new faces. That use to be my home, but not anymore. I don’t know what my body can do anymore. I can’t remember the last time I pushed myself or screamed out in pain from sweat dripping in my eyes. I’m currently commiserating with my good friend Lila over email. She can’t fit her pants and I’m eating something I shouldn’t while wanting something else just as bad.

Time to take off this dress and end this pity party

This has been a rough week. I thought I would be too busy with school and work and I could just make it through. I think I made it through the first part of my “down period”; I just have mother’s day and her birthday ahead of me. I get real cranky on Mother’s Day.

Wow, I can’t even get through this post without crying, at least there’s no one around to explain my tears to. That always seems to make me cry harder.

But tears dry up and we have to keep moving on. I’m going to go a little easy on myself until the semester is over. I can’t do it all and as much as I want to go to the gym and don’t want to go, I have to use that time studying. I have an Applied Calculus midterm this Saturday and a Stat project to start (anyone care to help in either subject?

I’ve been trying to eat right, but I just don’t want to put it in my mouth. I want good quick comfort food…with cheese on it. I am going to try my hand at some smoothies since it’s been warm out (it’s suppose to drop to the 50’s on Friday).

One thing did happen that made me squeal, I got my race for the cure t-shirt (and it’s too big) and number, I will be #10212 on June 4th. I actually squealed and started daydreaming about training for it and then about running it. It’s something to look forward to.

Previous Posts’ Comments:

Sarah, school is kicking my butt and I’ve had to concentrate on studying and less on going to the gym. I wish I was compensating with eating right, but nope. I’ll get to the 21x one day LOL

Cori, Did the book come? I hope you enjoy it. I haven’t been keeping up on non school related (fun) reading, but I hope you’re getting the most out of it. I’m glad you like the NSV; I need to get some more on there, hopefully, soon.

Pretty Pauline, thanks for the hug, I can never have too many of those 

E Jane, thanks for the condolences, I’m usually a bit more upbeat and sometimes witty. I’m just not all in it these days, but I’m coming around.

RIP Mommie

It's been 5 years ago today.

Day 5, oh boy, I’m slipping

So here we are, it’s Friday! Yay! There’s been no morning workout although I woke up early to spend some time with my niece. I was able to get to Trader Joe’s last night for their brown rice and picked up some edamame because I was hungry and they were an impulse buy. At least it was a healthy impulse buy, yay!

Today has just been work, not as easy as I thought it would be and some slip ups, for the detox. I had a 90 calorie granola bar, more peanuts and the badest of the bad, half (the good half, the top half) of an everything bagel…WITH jalapenos cream cheese. The sad part is I was already eating my salad. A salad that was larger than ever because while I opened the bag on Tuesday, the rate of browning decided to act like I opened it last Tuesday and it said good until the 11th, it wasn’t gonna make it past tonight, so it was a use it or lose in situation. I had that bagel and it was good and that’s all I needed, I was full, but if I have a snack it will be the edamame.

I still have my dinner tonight and I know what I’m getting, the braised lamb pappardelle. Did I tell you already? I’m very excited about this meal. And due to the bagel and my exam schedule I have cancelled taco night tomorrow. (That is by far the saddest sentence ever) But I need to study for my test on Tuesday and I want to spend all Saturday on it. But our study group is at a café, I plan to bring the brown rice and bean corn mix, it’s very filling, I’ll have tea and pray for the strength to resist the baked goods.

Today was also a day for celebration (and a bit of jealousy, but more happy for her feelings). Sarah (we are forever bonded in pink) has gotten out of the 220s. I am so happy and proud of her. She was struggling for a bit there, but she did it. And I can only imagine how she feels because that has been my goal since forever. So I’d like to take a moment (and a paragraph) to say “Fuck yeah Sarah! Whoooo!!!! Size 14 look out because here comes Sarah!”


Last Post's Comments:

Yes Cori that's what my salads look like. The shredded purple cabbage sets off all of the colors and is tasty. I'm so excited for the warm weather, not just because I will be warm, but because of all the veggies and fruit that some into season. I will gladly wake up early for a farmer's market.

Day 4, An unexpected early start

I woke up a little early and my house felt different, I checked my phone and I had a message from my sister. She was at a friend’s house and would be taking my niece, her daughter to school. At first I thought, that’s too disruptive for a child to “sleepover” during the school week and I hoped she had all her homework because she loves Friday fun day (she did not and she is not having Friday Fun Day, but she was okay because her mom knew and wasn’t mad) and then I thought, it’s early, if I put on my gym clothes and take my work clothes I can go to the gym and I won’t have to worry about it after class. And that’s what I did! I through on some gym clothes, threw my work clothes in a bag and was happily on my way to the gym. I got to stretch, I did 20 pushups and 100 crunches (25 reps of different kinds – I coughed and boy did I work my abs). It felt good and I got on that scale again and I did not hate it, but I will keep my weigh in to Monday.






Lunch was the same colorfulness it has been and I’m still enjoying it.





Then I faltered with a handful of peanuts and at least 7 chocolates. *sigh* I was doing so well, but I picked it back up with dinner and it was the bean/corn mix (I added peas, not bad, but I’ll leave it out next time) and brown rice. Sorry no picture as I was too hungry to wait.


Last Posts’ Comments

Cori, I’m doing the detox in the Fat Smash Diet by Dr Ian K Smith. Feel free to email me if you want more info, I’d post more, but I don’t want to break any copyright laws.

Dr, I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve had a good salad and these are hitting the spot. I’m going to give up on the all or nothing thinking, it’s just an excuse to be bad. The detox is just how it’s referred to in the book I read. I fell it’s getting rid of all the processed stuff out of my system and replacing my cravings with good cravings like sautéed spinach instead of fries. I’m tempted to relate it to clean eating, but I haven’t read enough on that topic to really compare, but I sure there are similarities.
Did you experience any “excess hair shedding” after your surgery? I read a few things online and it seems like it’s possible side effect.

Day 3, I'm being the goodest I can

I’m still feeling good about not being in the 230s, but I’m pretty close to being back in there. My day’s been out of whack and I think that might be why I slipped up. Four words for you: Chocolate Angel Food Cake. Two more words: One Bite. That’s all I had, that’s all it took to know that it wasn’t worth it. Mainly because while it smelled like heaven the taste was off, the chocolate they used to flavor it didn’t quite work. Had I not cared that I was almost back in the 230s I might have had a full slice and eaten it, but I do care. There have also been more treats bought in to the office, but I had some grapes on my desk and it took me a while to get through those so they kept me in line until lunch, which was super colorful and crunchy. Another simple meal put together at work. I got the American salad mix and added more shredded carrots and shredded red cabbage. I halved a few grape tomatoes and added a few jalapeno slices sprinkled with chick peas for a bit of protein. Not picture is the light ranch dressing I added, it was about 1.5 tablespoons, just enough to lightly coat most of the salad.





I’m working late again because there’s so much to do and I want to get it done before it’s asked for, but after that I’m going to the gym. I will have to hodge podge my workout outfit because I’m didn’t realize I didn’t really have an outfit in my car. So wish my luck, coverage and support :)

I don’t know if I mentioned this and while I can look back over my entries, I like to keep this conversational, but I have some dinners planned that are coming up and with the detox you’re suppose to start over if you cheat (I’m not counting prunes and light dressing or a bite of angel food cake – last time I worked at a bar and did not cut out alcohol). I know I’m going to eat more than what’s on the detox plan, I’ve come to terms with it and plan to start over when that does happens. And looking at my calendar it looks like I’m not going to get a full 9 days of detoxing done this month, I will get 4 days, 6 days, and then 7 days. Now can I start detox 4 times staying in Phase I? Shit, I don’t know, but I’m sure the hell gonna try until I get my 9 days. *fingers crossed* My friend asked me why would I bother if I know I’m going to break it. Maybe my logic is flawed, but I feel some is better than none and its not like I’m eating deep friend bacon wrapped fettuccini Alfredo (please no one try to bring that to the next festival they go to, next to the deep fried Oreos/snickers/Twinkies, but if you do, I want royalties) during these meals. On Friday I’m going to probably have pork tenderloin with vegetables and wine. But why not cut calories before and after?




On the subject of going natural, I really wish I knew what kind of curl my hair will do. I saw a lady today and just said “I’m going natural for sure.” And of course women will talk hair at the drop of a hat. I’ve enjoyed these conversations with strangers about going natural. But I’m positive I’m going to get braids soon and after I take those out make the decision about cutting my hair. I am open to product suggestions. So far the commom thread has been olive oil, shea butter and cocunt oil. Check check and check.


UPDATE: Leaving work at 10pm, no gym for me, bed for me.

Last Post’s Comments:


Ms H, I am glad it’s not in the 230s, you don’t even know, well maybe you do because your out of nowhere 10 pounds had you close to the next decade. I also picked up the ingredient to make that bean and corn dish again. I’m going to make a burrito bowl type thing tonight, just to get more veggies in me and I only have a little brown rice left, I’m just going to make it as usual and put it on a bed of lettuce. Also, you run a lot.

Day 2 of the detox

In addition to the salad dressing, I also had a few sunflower seeds and 3 prunes. Not horrid choices, but not a part of the detoxing.

So from my last two posts you can see that I did in fact go to the gym and while there I weighed myself with some less than pleasing results, for which there were no words, just pictures, and this number 234. That's right, I'm back to fighting my way out of the 230s. Thank goodness I was at the gym and I got my reality check. I was ready for a fight out of the 220s, but this blew my mind and then I thought back to all the things I ate and all the things i didn't do. I can't blame the scale, I ate it, I didn't move. *sigh*

So I got a bag of lettuce, a bag of shredded carrots and a bag of shredded red cabbage, and a jalapeño. I meant to get chick peas but forgot. I also made this dish up. It was originally inspired by a summer salad a Starbucks that manage to cram a lot of fat into it.

I took 1 can of corn, 1 can of black beans, rinsed them and rinsed and drained them. Added 1 packet of sazon, the badia brand because it has no MSG, added some left over Pico de Gallo and a healthy dose of crushed red pepper flakes.




I was hungry so I mixed it with brown rice. But you can eat it hot or cold as it is.



I'm probably going to have the same thing for dinner. Thank goodness I don't get tired of the samething easily. I never understood the whole, I can't have blank because I had it for lunch.

I'm running a bit late for class, I want to get this entry in first. I have gym clothes for a workout after class, school has helped me be lax on the workouts, but I did it before, I can do it again. I'll just be tired.


UPDATE:

I did it again! Yay! Also, I got on the scale again, naked and I somehow lost 4 of the pounds I gained. The scale was nicer with 229, but now I'm confused. I'm going to stick with 234 and weigh in on Monday.




Last Posts' Comments:
Bluberri, the feeling does tend to pass about 5 to 10 minutes into it and even if I still feel blah, I can do at least 45 minutes of it with the right playlist. What are you listening to? I’ve lost my playlist when I got a new laptop. ITunes needs to be better about the transfer thing.

Ms. H, I want to go natural, but I’m scarred I’ll hate it, but all sings point to me loving it. I’ve stopped every natural woman I know to ask questions. But for real, what if my head looks funny? LOL Glad you liked the comments, I need a laugh, I guess this 10 pound thing is catching. Btw that race cruise looks freaking awesome!

I weighed myself last night...

Day 1 of Detox, So far so good

I’m so very ready for today to be over. On the food front I am proud that I only broke the detox when I put a bit of dressing on my salad. I had yogurt and tea for breakfast and for lunch I had a huge salad from a salad bar, so it was pricey. I use to get spinach, but I needed something with a higher crunch and water factor. Then I just started loading up on veggies, grape tomatoes, shredded carrots, shredded radish, peas (Peas? Surprisingly good) chickpeas and jalapenos. And a table spoon of dressing, it was creamy Caesar, I know that wasn’t the best choice, but it’s what I had. I got a lot of food so I thought I would be munching on it all day, not so much. About 20 minutes later it was gone and I was missing it. I followed up with a banana and had an afternoon snack of grapes. The convenient thing about this detox is that I don’t have to weigh the fruits or veggies, although I am tempted to. I’ve also had more water than I’ve had in a while

My hopeful self want to go to the gym after work and have brown rice with veggies, maybe beans for dinner. I feel like I’m making a wish and squeezing my eyes tight so that it comes true “Pretty please I wish I make it to the gym so I can get back on track so I can lose more weight and then fit into cuter flirtier dresses soon because it’s getting warm out and those cute dresses don’t come in plus size, even though they should…with no calorie sweetener on top”

I’m not going to lie that kind of worked. But I keep having moments of just wanting to go home and doing nothing, well, getting in my bed and veging out, turning off my brain because it was not ready for today and I overworked it somehow. Now I’m going to picture myself at the gym getting my cardio on and then going to yoga, but that would be me eating too late…maybe no yoga. I need to hold that in my head, me on the machine working it out feeling great, like the first time I ran after not being allowed to for months! When you don’t want to go to the gym is when you should go. Maybe I’ll look at some dresses to get my butt in gear.

That didn’t really work. I just saw dresses a bunch of “just because you’re skinny doesn’t make that right” dresses. Even the models’ waists didn’t start that high. And I’m still against horizontal stripes.

In other news I’m going natural. My hair has been relaxed since I was in grade school, but last year I noticed a bald spot (that still hasn’t fully grown back in) and decided that chemicals would not be the best idea. So I just never got a touch up. I think the last time was for my friend’s wedding in October. I have quite a bit of new growth and a new problem. Strands and strand are just coming out in my comb. I have no other bald spots and I remember a lot of “breakage” whenever I let a long time between touch ups pass. But I think I’m just not going to, at least not this year. I’m going to transition for a while (continue to let my hair grown out) before I do the big cut. I’ve been rocking an updo with a headband and I’ve gotten a lot of compliments, which puts me at ease. But spring is upon us and I think I’m going to get braids to let my hair grow and to have another hair style.

Last Post’s Comments:

Yeah Ms H, I’m glad to have a job and to like the people I work with, it just all became to be a little too much. Sometimes I forget what seems logical and rational are not always how things are done because it’s my logic, not theirs. And I will go running with her, the weather seems to be taking a spring like turn, finally!

An entry more on topic

As for weight loss part of this blog, I don’ think there’s been any this week and I’ve not been counting my calories, nor have I made it to the gym. I was going to write a post about how I think my knee is better because I don’t remember the last time it made a sound or felt funny walking up the stairs and then it did all of that and I decided that talking about it jinx me and I don’t want any more jinxes because it’s race season and I want to be in at least three of them. My friend Ellen has been on track with her running and I sort of want to join her, but I’m afraid I’ll slow her down, but I need to get out there. I’m signed up for the Race for the Cure in May, but my team will be just me. One friend will be out of the country and the other is flakey and I’m just not going to count her. I have some other friends doing it so I might join them or just go at it alone, which might not be a terrible thing. So Monday is around the corner and a great day to start my detox from the Fat Smash diet of VH1 Celerity Fit Club fame.

I use to crave the good stuff. I went home for lunch once because I wanted sautéed spinach. I use to count out my calories like Scrooge McDuck counted his money (yup, that’s a Ducktales reference). I would plan my life around the gym and I’ve declined many an invitations to hang out for some gym time. My laundry was also full of gym clothes; I knew the staff at the gym. I miss that me. That me was doing better and happier about life and on her way out of the plus size section and saying good bye to the tire hanging over her jeans. That me was on her way to being the me I want to be.

My next post will include my detox plan and food plan. I will also attempt a workout plan.

A venting entry about my job

What a week this has been. I realized that my job is no longer what it once was or what I want to do much longer. It all kind of came to ahead when my frustrations with our billing department was mimicked by others. I’ve repeatedly been told to be more diplomatic. But I think I was really being told to take it and try to not have them get upset again. I mind that the system we have in place is backwards creates more work for me. I was being accused by the billers that I was entering in the information and then going back into the system and changing it. Riiiight, because my workload is so light and it’s just more fun to do it 3 times. The software creator explained that we are doing it backward and that’s why the error occurs. The chorus of “I’m sorry” was deafening, like five cotton balls all hitting a down pillow at once. But I’ve since let that go. What I can’t let go is the bending over backwards to make their job easier while making ours harder. Our department works fine together, we have stressful times around closing, but that comes with the territory.

My department rocks, but it was still no surprise when the AR lady in my department gave her notice. For as much as trouble as I have with the billers, her’s is tenfold because she needs more contact with them and it’s getting to the point where all the extra steps we have to take is ridiculous and most of them feel as though treating us like people isn’t necessary and, love my boss, he doesn’t really stand up for us. He makes our deadline to them soft, in turn screwing us on our deadline, but I think he’s starting to get sick of it as well. Long story short, I don’t want to do what I do. With our company growing, so has my workload, but my opportunity to do or learn more has decreased. Because of my current work load and future workload, I can’t take on any additional responsibilities. I wanted to learn the AR side of operations, but I had no time, so someone else in the department “got” to do it. She is not pleased.

Oh, and I had a quiz on Thursday in Statistics and while I thought I had my shit together, I in fact did not. I’ve got my fingers crossed for partial credit and some magic. I wish I had time to attempt the extra credit problem, but no. And to make that day even more spectacular, I had to go to work afterwards to get my 3 check runs done (those deadlines for the billers that got pushed back made that necessary) because Friday was the AR girls last day. I had the cake.

At least I feel I have a better understanding of the material and my homework grades have been better, all 100’s, well, one was 97.8, but I rounded up. I’m also feeling better about my Applied Calculus class; I’m getting a grasp on it. I think I need to get another notebook for problems and get work a few each day so I can remember them. My teacher is right, it goes in and then it falls out when I don’t do anything with it. I just have to be on top of this for a few more weeks and the semester will be over. I hope to start a University next spring and truth be told, if my job would pay for that upfront I would totally stay, but I think that’s not the best for me. Time to start looking at scholarships and ugh, essay writing. I don’t want to take out anymore loans at all; I’m still paying those back.


This week was not fun, but it is over so that's good.