Go ahead and call me a big baby

But I feel like I am. Maybe I tried to stop taking the meds too soon. With all that’s going on I’m kind of freaked out about getting addicted to pills. But last night was awful, I was up and uncomfortable and grumpy. Now I love my sister, but I could have used a bit more attention, I maintain the person who had the surgery shouldn’t have to make their own dinner; just saying. I'm just done not feeling well or having the energry to do anything.

Anyway I woke up today (Tuesday) and had a fever of 100.6 and freaked out, I threw off the covers and retook it, 97.9, yeah, no infection! I’m not great at this whole being sick thing at all. I took a shower and tuckered myself out and then lost the whole afternoon to sleep. Tuesday was awful, but I made some spaghetti with basil infused olive oil, tasty, but bland and low fat. I had maybe a cup and a half and the only tins I’ve really been eating are apples, lovely honey crisps. I fielded some text and just took my medication, I’m going to be still and let this sleep come to me. Night all.

Girls without gallbladders do it better

Today was surgery day. I had to be there by 6am; my super awesome friend came over last night to spend the night so she could take me. I made her a packet with magazines, sour patch kids and directions to nearby shopping places. It was the same hospital my mom was in, so that as a little hard, but I remember everyone there being really nice and caring so I chose that hospital despite the memories. Everyone was super nice and I felt taken care of and it helped the nurse that checked me in saw me out. ORs are way better lit than the medial dramas would have you believe, at least mine was. I didn’t break down in tears, but when I came too I was in tears. That was some kind of pain, but that was taken care of. The last thing I remember was the anesthesiologist telling me “this might burn a bit” I was about to say “that’s not something you should tell someone.”, but I didn’t get a chance to because I was out and felt nothing, until came to that is. I just remember the pain and the nurse trying to calm me down and get me to breathe deeply. It took a while because of the pain, but I eventually I did and then my bed turned into a chair and then things started happened and I was home before noon. My Super Awesome friend watched me for a bit and I dozed in and out of sleep for a few more hours and some family and friends stopped by with soup and these.




And I got this from my co-workers

Let's catch up

Seems like I just blinked and the week is almost over. I’m starting to get to the “no one’s going to die” stage of being off for a week and also the “Shit, what if I don’t wake up after surgery or they discover I have an undetected heart problem, is that a pain in my chest?” stage of surgery. One stage is clearly more awesome than the other.

Salsa dancing was fun; I forgot how much I enjoyed it and how much I need to learn to be better at it. It’s a bit different than dancing with your Tia in the kitchen I’ll tell you that much. I did however, not get winded or as tired as I use to and I felt more comfortable moving my body and having my dance partner touching me and my belly. I also got glimpse of myself in a mirror and I’m looking kinda hot, I’m starting to enjoy my body as it is now. I better because March will be a better month for me, I just know it. I’m excited to get healthier and to lose more weight and to wear smaller cuter clothes. I very much want the cuter clothes and no muffin top. Oh, I’m dreaming big now, to have no muffin top would be wonderful, I’d tuck in every shirt into my pants or skirt. LOL

My eating’s been good; today I kept it light because I went to dinner. I had a honey crisp apple for the first time and it was wonderfully sweet and crisp, it’s not a misnomer. I also had a Korean pear, 2 bananas and I finally branched out with the fage Greek yogurt, I got the 2% cherry, this too is good, good to know. Dinner was an expensive buffet, a last supper of sorts. It was a Brazilian meat extravaganza. I say it was expensive because I got a little of everything, except the ribs, I had 2 ribs and white rice and beans. It was hard for me to ask for smaller servings and harder for the waiters to do so; I think they just didn’t understand why I wasn’t trying to get them to leave the whole stick of meat. Oh there were a lot of dirty jokes told. But it was tasty and that’s all I really needed, my tummy is satisfied, not stuffed or full.

So last night was bad, after class I had an emotion eating binge. Here’s what my trigger was. As I was driving home, I started thinking about going to the hospital and I started crying. Well not at first, I fought those tears hard until there was a ringing in my ears and tears were standing in my eyes. When I blinked they just flowed. I’m really not looking forward to being in there; I don’t have fond memories of going to the hospital. But then I started thinking that I’m probably going to be scared and cry, but my friend would be there and I don’t want to cry in front of her and make her sad and cry. I would hate to do that to her, but there’s not much I can do about that. I cry at the dentist. But I just don’t understand why I’m so against crying in front of people. Anyone else have this issue? Is it from talking the “don’t cry, stop crying” when I was a child too seriously? Who knows? So I get home and have a little spaghetti and then it hits. I grab the Doritos and just go for it. At first they were good and then they were crunchy and I wanted to crunch them and then I just stopped tasting them, but I still ate more. I hate ending the night with an eating binge, especially when it’s been a good day.

But it’s another day and I acknowledge my fault and issue and I just hope to not do it again. So I’m back to work I just wanted to share a bit.

Last Post’s Comments:
Sarah, I would have gone ape shit on Valentines if I could. When I went to the Salsa class there were like 15 girls and 3 guys and it didn’t get better. I laughed and thought, “Wow, this is just like my life, shortage of guys and the ones that are here are talking to some other girls”. And while I was bitter I will openly admit in this semi anonymous blog, that there was a part of me that would have died for some rom-com romantic gesturer from my crush, something sweet and slightly bitter. But atlas life is not a movie.

Doc, yes that is cheesy, but I’m sure it’s true, I must not be ready and while I’m awfully fond of myself I wouldn’t say it’s an out and out love. As for pies, I rebut fruit pies, cooked fruit is an abomination and I just can’t stomach the weird texture taste of it. And I’ve been staying away from the candy. I’ve been telling people that it’s back in my area and they have to try it out because it’s an automatic feeder, it’s almost gone.





VickyFF, LOL I’m glad you are entertained, nice scarves, I dabble in knitting and I only know how to knit scarves, but thanks.

What's Bah Humbug for Valentine's Day?

I am single yet again for another Valentine’s Day and this year I’m going with the openly bitter approach. I’ve always tried to be cheerful at my inability to a.) keep a boyfriend through the Winter or b.) get a boyfriend at all. I feel inept when it comes to this whole boy girl thing. I can’t even tell when someone likes me because I still think, why would that person like me? Even though I know, regardless of what I look like I’m a pretty awesome person and I deserve love and all that, but for so long that’s been my mindset, the friend, the little sister because the object of my affection or desire went for someone else. Some thinner, prettier, taller, just er of everything I was and am. I swear one day I’m going to look back and think of all the time I’m wasting measuring myself up to someone else and kick myself.

So it Valentine’s Day and I’m going to turn on my Etta James' Love Song album and sink into a bit of a funk and give the rose bouquets the evil eye and mentally spit on all pink red and white candy and let Miss James lull me into the seductiveness of self pity/hate that I know so well…until 6pm. At 6 I’m getting dolled up and going to get my free salsa lesson and drink downtown. Gotcha! I bet you thought I was going to go all crazy and cry and wear old sweatpants and wait outside CVS until the Valentine’s candy went to half off and eat them all, except the coconut ones.




My eating has been good, since I’m still with the coffee I got some fat free creamer and I had half a lemon poppy seed muffin at my niece’s school for a “VIP Breakfast” Luckily all the bagels and donuts were gone, I think I was the only one happy about that. Since then, coffee with a quarter cup of fat free sweet Italian crème and 3 splenda, an apple, a banana, an orange, Lean Cuisine BBQ Chicken Quesadilla, 8 pumpernickel pretzel sticks and a bag of skittles. Yes skittles, it kept me off the chocolate M&Ms. The quesadilla was fine, I would recommend a salad with it because it’s tasty, but not a lot of food, but I feel for 7 grams of fat there should just be more.

The gym is still a no go with work, but hopefully I will dance some calories away, but I’ve kind of resigned myself to no gym for a while and got a lot of fruits and veggies to fill me without it begging too much. But I did buy a jump rope and I have a groupon for running shoes. I will be back out there and you will find me running outside this spring. The thought of that just makes me smile.

Last Post’s Comments:
Doc, it’s been hard finding the elusive Honey Crisp, but my office manager gave me one for Valentine’s Day, she said she found them at Shoppers so I have that to look forward to for a snack. I had a braeburn this afternoon and it was sweet, juicy and crispy, I feel like a whole new world has been opened up to me with these apples (I’m still not down with them being cooked). If you haven’t, you should try a Korean pear. It is like an apple made a baby with a pear, a big baby. I use to only be able to find them at my Asian/international markets, but I think some chains carry them on occasion.

I am looking forward to surgery

Not because I’m immense pain and can’t keep anything down, like Doc (Still sorry about that, it sounded like one of my episodes that lasted forever). I’m looking forward to a week off. I am taking the full week off afterwards, I don’t care that the auditors are coming, I don’t care that someone has a question that has been answered in one of the reports or emails I sent out. I am done. I am going to stay home and see what’s going on with General Hospital and One Life to live. What 30 minute melodrama do they have in the 12:30 slot? I don’t know, but I will. This is what “over it” looks like. Don’t get me wrong, my boss is awesome; I even think his boss is awesome, but I do a lot and have been doing a lot. The only bummer is I can’t exercise, I asked 3 different ways and all I got is, you can walk around. Walking it is then! And school work.
Wow, I feel much better about after that rant. Thanks for listening.

Now on to the weight loss part of my weight loss blog:
I have discovered apples and I love them. Before I had a hard time getting the skin down, but with lots of chewing and a lot of water, I’m golden. Fuji’s rock my world, my father use to pick me up from school and I’d ride around with him for hours and he would always get me a granny smith from one of the many fruit stand in the city (NYC). It’s a fond memory of mine, riding around the city with my dad after school, but I am not fond of the granny smiths, lo siento papi.
Gym, what’s a gime? Yeah it’s been that long. My calendar got filled and my workday overloaded I haven’t been back all week. I hope to get in there on Friday. My eating has been okay, it could be better. I have not been journaling or portioning and those two things help. Seeing that I have 200 calories left will keep me at 200 for dinner, crazy as it sounds it works. There has been snacking and there is this:




I know I need to get back on track because that track is leading to a healthier me. I really want to shop on the other side of the store and on the other floors in the department store and not just near the underwear, you know that’s where they all put the plus size section and for crying out loud we never gave up on fashion. But the fashion rant is for another day when I attack crew neck knit tops and elastic pleated pant that is somehow ankle length no matter the person or season.

Last Post’s Comments:

Doc, I never mean to stay away long, but I like to have something to say besides “All work no play makes Stephanie go crazy” LOL

Lanie Painie, Love the name. You must be new, welcome. Your right I have to stop thinking that working out is a trip to the gym. Our toilets at work require 2 flushes regardless and I try to do squats or something while waiting for the toilet to refill. Good advice.

Pretty Pauline, long time reader first time commenter? Welcome. I like this idea of doing something before a meal and I like that these are some serious moves. Mountain climbers suck so much, but I would like to up my stamina on these.

Thanks for the comments ladies, they have lifted my spirits, I think they might help direct my car towards the gym after class tonight.

MIA

I feel like I've abondoned my journey. I am currently overwhelmed at work and at school, I feel like a blog of fat because I have not been to the gym in forever and even when I went I did not really do anything, i did not even break a sweat. *Sigh* So in short, overwhelmed, busy, feeling fat and kind of alone. But I do not despair, like my mama always said "this too shall pass", but it sure would be nice if it passed a bit faster and take some of these tasks with it.

Last week i did lose .5 pounds, but when I found out I would have the house to myself, I went crazy. If I get to the gym tonight i'll see just how crazy last week was.

What a past couple of days this has been.

I’ve had moments of just pure emotional eating. Last night was ugly, just ugly. I ate like a hobbit, I had second dinner. I really need to handle stress differently. While I love my current job is it much more demanding than my other ones. By this time in my other jobs I had streamline my duties almost to the point where with a few clicks of a mouse an hour long project was done in 10 minutes. And I had down time to look over notes and type notes. Yes I had typed notes. But this job I have more responsibility and while this is what I wanted I’m a bit stressed. Deadlines and midterms seem to convince my brain that I am in fact not full nor was my healthy lunch satisfying in the least.

Tomorrow’s game plan is to eat a lot…of veggies. I’m thinking massive salad with veggies in them, celery and whatever else I can find.. I’ll keep my mouth and belly full of good stuff and maybe that will help. I’ve come to far to let school be the fat (well fatter) of me. I want my work pants to be baggy again, I miss that feeling and I want it back.

Also I just had my prelim surgical phone interview. Shit just got real. I think it’s funny the closer I get to the date the more symptoms I’m having, that weird pain in my back has not been a favorite, neither has the gas, but given what I ate, that might just be the food talking.

Off to class, I will do some update blogs. I did workout and I did my weigh in on Sunday. I’ll give you a hint. I didn’t gain.