I haven't left again

It’s been pretty busy and I haven’t done much or eaten poorly. I shall do a proper entry later, I have to get some rest for the 5K Chocolate run tomorrow.

I left a word doc open to catch my thoughts

9:17
Decided against the creamer in the coffee, but wished I had peppermint schnapps. ‘Tis the season.

10:12
Last blog I read then I really need to focus harder

10:58am
Just made plans to meet up with Céline at 5:30 to go get our packets and run. No part of me is looking forward to this, but she seems so happy about it. Oh how the tables have turned

12:06

Made absent mind lunch decision, egg salad, really now?

12:30
Going away cake, what!?!

1:19
Feeling the effects of lunch, I have to start planning and bring my lunch into work. Chicken and vegetables is a quick easy fix.

3:03
Drinking some sparkling water, I really do need to drink more water. Was that a back spasm? Note to self. Add back exercises to pending workouts.

4:25
While changing into workout clothes realized I was wearing the black pants that made me feel like a “Biscuit in a can”, but I didn’t feel like a “biscuit in a can”.

4:26
Realized blogging was magic

4:30
Realized I have no running shoes, GRRRR!

5:25
Decided to leave work and go put some order in my home and prepare for tomorrow. Clear the floor and do some floor work.

You comment, I comment:

Thanks Ms H! I’m excited about it, despite the big ass hill. You’re looking lovely as ever, I like the hair! I BC’d in July and haven’t looked back.

Whoops! (Also a very good song by Blues Traveler)

I did not post yesterday, not because I’m hiding, but I have not been able to find a good balance of my work life yet. It’s a mix of too much to do, not wanting to do it and not really wanting to go home. So I work late while watching some work inappropriate thing on my laptop during my busy week and rack up the overtime. But I did think of you, while trying to figure out why our AZ office was coding things to our MD office.

Food wise yesterday wasn’t too bad. I had coffee with too much creamer (peppermint mocha) and a high fiber honey wheat English muffin with peanut butter. Since I’m under the weather I had Pho for lunch, it fixed me for an hour, but when we got back to the office I was coughing up a stubborn lung. It’s still in there. Then plowed through a mountain of paperwork while listening to a book on tape (I use to mock this, but lordy be it’s nice to be read to). Then all of a sudden I was hungry again and it was 8. I went to Longhorn by my job because I know there is a container of peeled garlic, condiments galore and crystal light in my fridge; one of the pit falls of not hosting Thanksgiving is that you do not get leftovers. And I had what I call an Old Man meal, meat and brown liquor, 6oz medium rare sirloin and a Manhattan, with steamed veggies. I was so very tempted to get something so chocolate that would coat my mouth in love, but thought it best to head home.

Nothing too exciting happened, but tonight we are picking up our race packets and taking a look at the track for Saturday’s race. I’m getting excited and nervous, still coughing.



You Comment, I comment:

Thanks Doc and E Jane for the warm welcome back! I’m slowly getting my excitement back for being a better me. I think I’m going to put up little notes around my bathroom and room and desk at work so I have visual arguments against derailing. Any suggestions?

I got nothing

I got nothing to say for myself or my absence. I’m sure as no surprise to anyone that I have gain most of my weight loss weight back. I stopped doing the things that helped me reach my goals. I stopped blogging; I was hiding from the gain and the embarrassment of it. And what a shame, I was starting to feel like I had a little family here. But when I checked back in I saw my peers on a steady path to their goals and it made me feel like shit that I wasn't progressing with them. So I did what any sane person would do, I beat myself up about it and ate my feelings. How does one not lose weight this way?!?

My birthday is a week away (turning 30 for the third time) and the dress I had last year that I was almost in is back to its purchase fit. Sausage in casing doesn’t quite describe the look I have going in that dress and biscuit in a can (the kind that pop out of the roll-got the visual?) is a bit more accurate. So that goal will not be met this birthday. Heavy sigh. Anyway, a New Year is upon and I loathe making New Year’s resolutions, so I need to get on it now. A December Resolution! December’s a good month, it has my birthday, baby Jesus’ birthday and my name day oh and New Year’s Eve!

I don’t want you to think I’ve done nothing. I finished my last semester a community college and got accepted to George Mason University. And my friend, Céline and I have been working the C25K, but outside this time. It has been hard and the number of times I’m jazzed and excited to tackle each session has been outnumbered by the times I’ve dreaded them and cursed the run between breathes, but it feels good to complete a run. We’re running the Chocolate 5/15K in the National Harbor this Saturday. I look forward to running it with her. It’s one of the things we’re doing for my birthday.

I should have a December Resolution or two by the first, which means I have some things to do, like weigh myself, stop crying, resist the urge to medicate the knowledge of said number and the balls to accept that number and share it. I’m also taking recommendations for calorie counting/food journal sites. I’d like one with an app and with the capability to post daily journals here and hopefully I will soon be able to go back to LA Boxing. I miss feeling like a bad ass.

Hello Again (my favorite Shelly Long movie)

As I stand here, between heaves I wonder, how have I gotten to this place. A bajillion pounds heavier, over worked, stressed and while I was closer to finishing up my Associates degree I could only focus on the fact that I felt closer to my starting weight. I was also wondering what I had that was red, I’m sure I unsuccessfully stayed calm until I remembered the strawberries. They were good, I should have stopped there, I should have stopped before there. I know this and I knew it then, but something been broken in my head about food for a while now. After the strawberries I had some water, but I just knew I was still hungry. And my brilliant, “somehow in a binge spiral at work” self decided I needed an English muffin with peanut butter, but it’s okay, it’s triple earth healthy and I weighed it and the spoon with peanut butter. I would say here’s the slippery slope, but thanks to my applied calculus class I know that there was no slope it was undefined because I feel like I fell right through to the bottom and devoured/annihilated/ravaged/obliterated some, a few, countless 90 calorie Quaker Oat bars. I remember reaching for number “greater than or equal to three” that 1. I liked the oatmeal raisin ones the best and 2. This one will make me feel better. I think it’s funny I like the one with the fruit in it and boy was I wrong about that one and the ones after that one making me feel better.

I feel just awful, so awful I barely want to think about the possibility of what’s happening I just want to get that junk out of me and my body whole heartily agreed. I shall Google search eating disorders from the comfort of my home now that there is a shaky truce with Verizon.

Now I’m the first to acknowledge that I am overly sensitive about bulimia, I don’t know if its because I think I’m susceptible to it or all of the after school special and exposes I watch on the subject, but I am. I’m also weird about being friends with my friend’s significant other, that’s something unrelated, but I’m weird about that. (I’ll be his friend, but we don’t need to hang out) Did I just eat too much junk and made myself sick? Or did I intentionally binge and purge? I’m fairly certain it’s the first option because I do not want to do anymore damage to my teeth (I had a root canal this year), my heart (I’m already at a high risk for heart disease) and this is just a lot of ewwwwwww!!!! But who knows how my mind is working these days.

UPDATE:

I had since had some tea and calmed down, then I went to the gym because I tried to wear pants today (it’s been hot in the DC metro area for the past few weeks so I’ve been in dresses) and there was no amount of laying down to be done to get those things on me. I think that was wakeup call #74 and this gym trip may have been another false start, but at least it’s a start.

First let me say I know I spased out a little bit back there, but I’m fine. I recognize that I’ve been poorly handling my diet and exercise and I’m not surprised at the weight gain, just the reaction my body had to a lot of Quaker oat bars. I can’t believe I ate myself sick and then told.

Cranky

I'm so cranky I don't even want a cookie! More to come tomorrow about my trip.

Cocktails or Cardio?

I’d rather have both, but I had cardio. The place I go to that separates my eyebrow into two separate entities s right next door to my gym (which is right next door to a Dairy Queen) and of course I was there the day before my trip so I could have 2 distinct eyebrows. Luckily my car contained at the very least one and a half workout outfits I dragged myself in.

I’m not at the same level I was at when I was going regularly, but wanted to push myself and I wanted to quit after minute 3. But I didn’t, those numbers are helpful, but boy was I feeling it. I got to 432 calories burned in a very long 35 minutes session. Next time I will do a less intense program.




So that number is super close to 500 calories, the number I like to see at the end of my cardio time, it’s a nice round number that can cancel out a bad choice. So I got on the treadmill to finish up my 500.






I went because I was right there and it feels wrong to not go if I’m that close to it and I was a little stressed about my upcoming trip and having to get ready for it. I know it seems counterproductive to use that getting ready time for some gym time, but it felt right.


Oh! Finnaly some healthy snacks on the ledge! They don't look or taste great but it's a step in the right direction.




Last Post’s Comments Responses:


Definingmore, I think you’re talking about this section. I thought of it because there are so many blogs I follow and comment on, but don’t get to see the writers response. Plus I enjoy the comments and don’t want someone you cared enough to comment to feel like I didn’t read or appreciate their comment.

Doc, I will put the bay tour on the list of things to do. I’m hoping t do some shopping and sightseeing, I know that I am going to Little Havana. For dinner we went to Bongo’s, Gloria Estafan’s restaurant and all I know, besides that food was amazingly good is that I will pay the 8 dollars to use the hotel gym.